Reason.

I have been a little preoccupied lately. Preoccupied? I don't even know what the word means! Well, let me say, I haven't written anything worthwhile in this month. And I know there is this May Challenge that I am doing, I mean confessing and all. I mean come on, who wants some guy's confession, well that too on a repeat mode, each day. That sure does drive people crazy, believe me. You don't believe me, do you? Okay, here's a little proof. 

Well, okay. That's my cousin. And I gave her a link to my poetry. Now see what's happened to her. May be, it could be that you still haven't realized yet. And I am afraid it is inevitable. You just dived too deep to get out. Wait, you are not actually believing this, are you? Well, that's up to you to ponder over it. 

The thing is that, I have been on an edge lately. A slight flinch can cause some dangerous/unwanted things. I really don't know the reason.  Or there are too many reasons  I am not so sure about it. I have been in a constant conversations with myself, sometimes cursing every little thing that happens in front of my eyes, sometimes shouting/screaming in silence, sometimes ranting about the same and sometimes questioning God. But that leads me to nowhere. The day ends, another begins and the same continues. That could be the reason for my irregularity in the blog posts and as well the decreasing quality of my writings. Oh, boy! Something is seriously wrong with me, isn't it? Yeah, I need help, I guess or like figuring out a solution or something like that. Well, I ended up with the solution, but it doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon, as a matter of fact it is not something one would wish to be a solution.

I wish I  could  write what I actually wanted to write. I am just at loss of words in that case. You could say, I could just pen it down and get over with it. Yeah, that sounds about easy. But somethings are such that that however deeply one wants to express, the words don't seem to find their way. I question myself about what is that that holds me back and why is it so hard and again I am in an isolated place screaming in silence, breaking things and doing everything that I despise doing. Why? As I write this, even then I feel myself in my mind saying - Vent it out. But then again, all this seems too good to be true. All I could do is cry in silence. 

I don't want you people to understand what this is all about. It is me, an agitated mind and I am clearly unsure about how to vent out something that has been buried so deep and yet surfacing at the very verge of my lips, a moment's gap. I might just pen it down someday and that day you would know about why and what all this is about. Frankly speaking, I have no idea what I am even writing, I am still trying to find words from the confused mind. The only thing that bothers me is that it is a difficult task to find solace with that, and the day when I do, everything would have ended. Everything.

P.S. That photo may be uncalled for, but I just of writing something else at the beginning but ended up with something entirely different. May be we should just exchange places because that would be the perfect situation. And one more thing, the topic doesn't make any sense either. I thought of warning you people at the beginning like Read at your own risk but I don't know why I didn't.