Am I any good ?

What does it really take to be a writer? For as long as I can remember I have dwelled in the conception that I have been good at what I think I am good at. For instance lets say Writing. I have had this idea of myself being an ambitious and prolific writer. But the reality sucks, I know. But who could deny a good imagination. So, I have been advertising everywhere about the awesomeness of my blog and literally forcing people to read my blog through reverse psychology. Turns out, I am not even good at the reverse-whatever it is. Because no one actually buys that and my visitor count is still null, like a big void. But I still continue to advertise my blog and attract people. Only that I don't have that 70% + 40% advertising strategy. Still, the social media is a great help there. If only.

As a result of my wayward publicity a majority of the people I know and people who know me are aware of my blogging hobby. Because well that is the second thing I tell about myself after my name in my introduction. Seriously, I do that. But the point is that a majority of the people are aware of my "extra-curricular" activities, but chose to turn a blind eye to it. Why, you ask? Firstly, I am a no good of a writer even though in my publicity brochure I am the "greatest" of 'em all. But lets just do a reality check and yeah that's not a pretty good picture. And secondly, they seem to have developed a sort of what we can call it - hatred? dislike? or something like that when it comes to reading. And thirdly, my English is, quoting what they usually say, "too hi-fi to understand". *ahem ahem* *starts coughing inconsistently*, the latter wasn't intentional, the former was. My English is too complex to understand. I mean I refer to the dictionary most of the times for looking up the meaning for words that even a fifth standard normal kid would also know and then there is this remark. I actually feel elated, you know. Because at the back of my head, I am having this conception that I am improving myself and have come a long way. But again, reality check. I have barely moved from wherever I had started from. Yeah, I know it is difficult to believe, but that is why reality is so mean.

The other day there was this team building activity of sorts in the office. We were divided into 4 groups by each one of us calling out the numbers from 1 to 4. I was supposed to be a team 3 but that already had so many people that I chose to be team 2, and also there were people whom I knew in this team. So the task was to advertise a new soft drink brand in the market. The first thing that we had to do was to come up with a caption for the soft drink. So, we were hitting out heads for a funny and attractive caption to go with the soft drink brand. And then there were two people who know about my should I dare quote "blogging adventures", that I call myself a damn good writer. Well, that was my publicity strategy that I had adopted even though we all know where I stand. But don't worry, I was exactly the same, I mean where I had been standing all along. "Hey, you are a blogger. Tell something nice, something catchy". With an awkward smile I try to think harder and find something totally cool and attractive. But time was not on our side. "You write so much, come on suggest something blogger". The time was up and I was still blank in my mind as did my face. Now that is the real me. And that's how I blog. The other people were more creative and pretty good at it. I kept wondering what about all my imagination and the countless crazy thoughts that I get on a daily basis almost every single day. 

That game wasn't over yet. Now that the captioning was over, we had to advertise it in the market, with the help of few newspapers that were supplied to us. We could do whatever we wanted with the paper, cut it, crop it , whatever, but we had to advertise it for the customer. And then again the remarks kept coming about I being a blogger and the creative inputs that I could give to make the presentation a little better. But you see, I was so blank in my mind that I could put the black hole to shame, literally. I was trying to help but then again, my creativity wasn't on my side, I mean if I had creativity in the first place to begin with. 

And then it hit me. Am I really creative? Am I even good at writing? Is my imagination that renders into these posts/write-ups are worth reading? Am I even good at this? Or is it all just my blank misconception of something good but really there isn't anything close to it? Could I be called a blogger? Can I call myself creative? Can I suggest my blog to other people to read? 

I guess this is the task of the dear readers to tell. So, the ball is in your court. Please be fair when you decide how good of a writer I am. I totally agree that I am an amateur in so Manu ways. And so is the reason for the comments on whatsoever you feel about my writing and in what ways I would be able to improve it. Everything you say is welcomed. So, be as bad as you could be when judging. That's all I could say.

Liebstered.

I have been quite inconsistent. I write sometimes, I get inspired a lot many times and then when I try to pen down with the little inspiration I got, I am at loss of words. I mean I am at loss of the idea, the thought behind which I was inspired. I get like a few words and that's it. I have lost my inspiration, or should I say the thought. Then I feel like writing that inconsistent and small invaluable thought no matter what, but then again its like writing an essay forcing myself to put on the topic and scribble than to let the words flow on their own. I won't be writing, will I? Well, I am not here to complain about everything thats' happening with me under the sky. Midst all this, I got a surprise.

So, I was busy passing time doing nothing literally, actually not, but what happened was that I was not able to follow I was supposed to be doing. It was going over my head. Then there was this ping from a dear blogger. No body pings in Facebook chat. I mean not most of us use that. And moreover there is whatsapp for that chatting purpose. I agree that most of my friends (on facebook) don't have my number per say to send a whatsapp message. Any which way, I received a ping and the content was even more thrilling. It was regarding an award. Oh YEAH. It has been ages since I received an award. So let me start by thanking the author of the "LIFE...as it is" who goes by the name of Srishti. Thank you Srishti for the award. I got Liebstered once again. Oh wait, I remember checking out the meaning a while back, then again I am not that good with memory. But alas! What matters is that I have been bestowed upon by an award from this wonderful person. So let the water flow in the stream. But there are a few rules, as always. Lets start by answering the questions asked by her.

1. How would you introduce yourself to anyone?
This is an interesting question. I have been asked to introduce myself but not how do I do that? So, let me ponder over it for a few seconds before I made a complete fool of myself. Whenever we have been asked to tell about ourselves like introducing ourselves in office, we start with the name and then wait.... and wait... and then wonder what else is there to tell about ourselves. Then the person who asked, hints us with college, hobbies, etc. And how would I? I am no different, you see. I am just like the rest who would start with a name and then jump into hobbies. Because that is the next best thing. I feel a little proud when I say I blog and take pictures. But the fact that no one acknowledges that is a little disappointing. No one knows what a blog is about. #WhatsABlog? And then comes photography. "So, whenever we need a new profile picture, we can call you". #Ouch 

I am an Engineer with little knowledge of the same. Agnostic. Writer. Photographer. And most of all, I am the most silent person, until you get to know me. 

2. What do you adore more? Your past or present?
I would be lying if I choose either of them. Past has been an integral part, but if asked whether I adore it or not, I would have to decline. And what about the present? Ah, Pass. May be I am still learning all the fundas of life or whatever because the present sucks as much as the past. But if I were given a chance to go back to the past, I woul definitely adore the present, hands down. Even though the author hasn't asked about the future but I will any which way speak about that as well. Yes, I am stupid. Guess I forgot to mention that in the introducing part. The present will be tomorrow's past. And I don't really adore the past, by this formula, I am bound to say that the future is also out of the list. #MyCrazyTheory7.0

3. Night, nature, rain or people? What makes you want to write a poem?
I believe a poem is a form of expression which we write to express our hidden emotions by not revealing them. Yeah, I go by that logic. What I mean to say is that poem is an expression. When I write a poem (if that is called a poem at all) it includes every component that you asked for, plus or minus one/few attribute(s). 

As night dawned in the innocence of life

The rain lashed over his face

As the calmness outgrew the chaos

The tiny droplets masked his tears

As the agony he withheld shuddered

The little hope withered in the darkness.... 

....( can be continued) ... 

Okay, It isn't a poem. I call it worambling (Words Rambling - Rambling with words). And you can stop laughing at my creativity. So, the point is it is not the visual things that make a poem, its what we interpret from the visuals. We might just see a person, or just the landscape or just the night, or anything as a matter of fact, but our interpretation is what makes it a poem, our version of the story in words. Do I sound too stupid right now ? Moving on...

4. What kind of a person you believe yourself to be? One who gives in to the demands of the situation, or the one who stays stiff, come what may?
Another interesting question. In my mind I already got a hypothetical answer. But well, that was too hypothetical to be told. :P . I believe myself to be an opportunist for this kind of situations. Whether I give in to the demands of the situation? Yes, I do, if I believe that it benefits me on some grounds, if not all. And once I have made that decision, I stay stiff, come what may. The other day when I was asked to put an adjective to our name which a condition that that it should start with the same alphabet as our name, the first thing that came with the letter was "Adamant" after "Agnostic". I was about to tell agnostic, but then again I would have to explain to the 40 something crowd, so Adamant it was. I am not denying it or anything. I am adamant to say the least, believe me I can be hell once I have made my decision. And then again these decisions depend on the situation and the circumstances that I put myself into or forced into. You see, I can't put a finger on something. Sorry for such a blatant answer.

5. Best compliment(s) you got on any of your blog posts?
To start of with, all these award nominations were the best compliment I have ever received. I wonder what makes people nominate me. I mean seriously! So, if the person who nominated me is reading this, please state the reason. I believe you have already specified in your blog about the same. But still. 

But keeping the awards and recognition part aside, I have had a few comments from my fellow bloggers and I consider then to be friends, if I can call them so. Well, I believe them to be even if they disagree, invisible friends. Because what I have found out is that they speak their mind, no matter what which is mostly missing in people these days. So, their remarks and comments have been quite interesting and inspiring. If you ask me to point then out, it is a pretty long list. So, let me put it this way, All of my comments have been a compliment even if they weren't.

6. Do you like your name? If not, then what name would you choose for yourself, and why?
Haha. I have wondered about my name for as long as I can remember. Do I like my name? I really don't have a choice, do I? I am compelled to like it. Sometime, I call my name out loud and wonder who that person is and how weird my name sounds to me.

If I were to choose a different name for myself, I would be pulling out my hair in the process to get a better name. You have no idea how many times I have changed the name of my screen name that I lost count and I barely recognize myself. And believe me I am planning to change this as well. Okay okay, you don't have to pull out your gun. I will not change. 

7.What controls you more? Heart or brain?
Heart. Mind. No no. Heart. Umm, Mind. Now you have to be the judge here, what is controlling me? There is a conflict, you see. But let me break down the conflict. It's all well and fine until the heart starts desiring something, everything will be normal thinking. But once this heart starts stepping up, the mind has to oblige. I guess that's how this works. Logically, heart can't think for itself. It's job is to just pump blood. Dude, don't start now. Okay okay, whatever! These guys. So I was saying whatever we desire is associated with heart and what we want is associated with mind, but it's all mind. Told you not to start with your quote crazy theories unquote. So stop. Oh man, okay. So, what controls me more? I wonder that myself. Heart. Umm.. Mind, Heart. Mind. Heart. Mind. *Gun fires* 

8. One book you think every living being should read at least once?
This is an easy question. Wait for a few years. There will be a book authored by none other than yours lovingly. DO READ THAT. And its an ORDER. And yes, this is a book I think everyone should read at least thrice ( to understand *sigh*). 

I would have picked up book, but I am not that of an avid reader myself. So, I haven't explored the most, I mean any books. So, I don't have an answer to this question. But I would highly recommend the above mentioned book in a few years time. Wait for it. It's going to be legendary.

9. Your take on the inflow of so many phone applications?
Wish I had the brains to develop something like whatsapp or something and sell it to Facebook or something like that. I wouldn't have to do any job anymore. Okay, I was kidding. My phone is overflowing with applications that I rarely use. I mean come on, the battery is like hell in these smart phones. You use an application, the next thing you know is that you are switching it off because the battery just drained off. I have nearly 300 apps ( or may be more, last time I checked it was 320 something, then I added a few more). OH.MY.GOD, right? Yeah, same expression here as well. I have all these apps but I disabled like 90% of them, because well battery. I can't use proper apps and find a good deal of battery at the end of the day, I mean mid day as well. Nope. Not gonna happen. 

Applications are supposed to make life easier. They do in some way. But I believe more are to come and technology is going to make life easier. Or messier. Or lazy. We tend to imply ourselves to simplicity and apps and technology does that. But at what cost? We don't ask these questions. What might happen down the lane? Again, the future is inconclusive. So lets just focus on the present. Apps are needed, but not all. Only a few built constructively would be a great help for us. But then again there is competition. we can't stop at just good. We oblige to create something better and ultimately the best. And the result million, or a billion apps. 

10. A movie you wish you were a part of? And which character, of course?
Oh, Wow. Umm.. It's really hard to choose. I am a fantasy fan. But then again there have been so many fantasy movies and the problem is I like 'em all. I wish to be all of them. So which movie and character you ask? And I don't have a definite answer.

11. A few (honest) words for my blog, please? (anything to complete 11 questions!)
Just one word. Awesome. Now another word. Amazing. Words are something that needs to be heard in a way, either in the form of fiction or write ups. And when I read your blog, I hear them speak. It is more about how you write than what you write and that 'how' is simply superb. Keep writing. I'll be reading. :D

Before I end this, let me thank the author, Srishti who writes at "Life...as it is" for the award. I know I am supposed to pass this along and also create a few questions for the people whom I will be nominating. I am just feeling too lazy to do all that. I was just going to skip this one. But whatever, here they are : 

A Walk Across the Bridge by Confused Soul

My Cactus Dress by Dhara

 0÷0 | The Undefined by Keirthana

One such story by Maithlili

~Nil by Nil

Dreams by Wanderer

LOL: Life of Leo by Soumya

Blahblaholic by Nirati 

Confessions of a Chocolate Obsessed by PeeVee

The Enchantress by Nikita Goel

Congratulations to all the people I have nominated. But I must apologize for I have left a lot many people. I feel bad about it. But I will make up to them as well. So for the these are the few.

Now the questions. Well, I won't trouble the people much with the questions. I guess you just have a one thing less to worry about. But I humbly request the nominees to pass this along, as a good gesture which might help in motivating the other new/budding bloggers and at the same time appreciating the talented prolific writers out there.

- Signing off

Silent Crusader

The Existential Crisis.

I am a very confused person. As confused as one can be. And then there is this supernatural existence called God. I have never really understood this supreme power that exists above all of us. But I still believe. Sometimes even I don't, there is always this tinge, somewhere in the deepest corner that makes me feel that I am wrong and there is this supreme power who takes care of us, <quote> magically <unquote>. If not magically, then how? If I were to ask that question, I might be bombarded with a lot of things such as one might say that he shows the path and it the person who has to follow. He is just a shepherd and not a magical persona. 

So, as per the believers and the noble servants of God, he is alive in form of unknown. And no one has seen him. And the people who have, which I don't know how, but those people still would agree to the question of his existence. So, practically he is over a million (or billion) years old, right? If scientists were to be believed, our planet itself has been in existence from over some billions of years ago. Don't we all agree? It is not like all this dust that was floating about in this vast universe just came together and became earth and then suddenly there was god and thought of making life form and whoosh there was life and sun and moon and stars and everything that we see under the sun and stars. Umm, I guess thats' what happened right? Exactly, my point. God is a genius. 

So, why am I being an atheist all of a sudden and commenting on God's existence and giving all this nonsense gyan,  which people are already aware of. I have been thinking a lot about this God figure for a lot of time. And I am confused. But today that is not the reason, I came across a post in Facebook : 

Is religion really worth killing for? I mean I have seen people bringing the religion topic almost every place, either it is politics, daily routine or whatever. But religion does play an important role. I believed god to be someone with whom we can trust upon. Like a person with whom we share our troubles and with whom we can totally rely on. It is just for out peace of mind that there is someone who takes cares of us, someone who looks after us, someone who protects us, someone who is always there for us, no matter what. Correct me if I am wrong! But aren't these the reasons why we believe in god? 

But what happens when one's beliefs are collided with others? When their version of thinking is different from others? When their ideologies don't subside with others? Because when god created man, he created RULES? DID HE CREATE A PLAYBOOK/RULEBOOK OR SOMETHING? Don't you think that was all man who did that? Some old man who wanted to keep everyone in check and put some weird rules to do so. Because that's what he believed to be the only way to honor / worship god. Coming back to the question of rulebook, many of us do believe that he did, not directly himself but through his disciples who were so moved by his presence and the vision he had. 

According to man, the existence of God came into being from a couple of thousand years back. There was so much suffering on the god's creation that he had to step down and make history. There was a revolution back then, but all that ended up in creating a new face to the word God. Over years many other's came or should I say many other's were believed to be God, each different from other and each having a set of new rules. What I don't understand are these classification and the differences? Why not accept everyone as equals and believe in it? Because what went wrong was Humans happened. And there was nothing anyone could do. Before we knew it, the classification was done, rules were set and the people believing ought to follow it, even if wasn't a choice to be made. 

In short, let me end this by saying that practically God is a Billion years old person listening to like 7 billion people almost every day, or should I say 7 billion prayers on a daily basis (approx.) and all we expect is that our prayers are heard in someway or the other. I agree that I am no God, but isn't that practically impossible. 7 Billion people. I myself call the name of God like a hundred times on a daily basis, okay that was a little exaggeration, at least 2-3 times on an average. Thats' not the point here. The point being Is it possible for a single person to do all that ? Even though we ponder over these questions, we really don't want the answers. Believe me. You question today, forget tomorrow and again believe that God is always there for you along with the other billions of people and still cares and protects you. You a bottom low and then question God's existence and the the next day, you are still on the same track as before. I know this, because that's what I do. I do believe, but then again sometimes I don't know what to believe.

Rambling.

People are complicated. I have always tried to understand people. And as I have peripatetic, I believed that there are indeed a wide variety of people, each different from one another possessing unique qualities that are absent in others, all of which were interesting. Because anything new other than routine is always a good sign. But as time progressed, adjusting to the newness turned out to be a little bit difficult than expected. The result was that even though I was able to keep track of the differences, but adapting to these was a hurdle of sorts. Whenever I used to get comfortable with someone, lets pack up and move. And then again, the whole process starts over again. And believe me, it isn't easy. 

So, I got so habituated to this kind of thing that I didn't show much forwardness when it came to becoming comfortable with people. Because at the end of the day, I mean a year or two we are going to part ways and come across some other new people. And I am no different to others. People have always to understand me. Me as in my behavior and what I withhold and I guess they believe myself to be a mystery. Given time, people would know the real me, more than I could even know thyself. And no, I am not that complicated of a person. But I am weird. People don't say, but it is quite evident. Because I think I can tell that about myself with surety.

When people call me silent and all, I totally agree with that because indeed, I am. Only till you know the better of me. Once I am a little bit comfortable with other people like I already mentioned earlier, they would rather think Why God, Why? Believe me, I am not that silent person anymore to them. And they would tell others that this guy isn't as silent as he appears to be. To which the obvious reply comes out to be "I want to see this guy talk". But that is totally another story altogether, probably for some other day. 

When the last month began, I was already heavy with thoughts regarding the current work that I associated myself with. I had a few sleepless nights, but that wasn't the problem, well because insomniac, duh! There was a sense of strangeness when I was trying to sleep, but the mind kept on working that I was looking here and there with my eyes closed as well. And it was something I now feel was a good thing. No, not that sleeping part but everything else. So anyway, the place where I stay was made up of 5 people, the fifth one being the extra baggage, as in like he didn't get a room and the room he was offered was declined by him after a stay of one month. Needless to say, he is totally an extra baggage, in every possible way, as in thoughts, things he say / do and whatnot, nothing in a good way. 

Guy 1 : After staying at home for a whole month, which itself was a big mystery, he gets a call immediately after getting back asking him to shift to some other location due to the work requirement. Within a week he flies off. Now the equation is Five minus one.

Guy 2 : He has had a little beef with the work he was doing for a long long time. But still he was literally stuck and could do nothing. So he went off to his home for a period of nearly 3 months, claiming to be ill, writes GRE and the last month decides to ditch the company for good. Great decision. 

Guy 3 : This person acts totally weird for the whole month with random visits to his home, calls in which he cries and shouts and what not. But the last day of the previous month, he just comes and says I am staying at my Uncles' home for a few days and then I will go to Switzerland as the Visa has been approved.

Guy 4 : The perverted guy and also the same guy whom I mentioned earlier in the para. So, this guy ditches the room which I saw coming, because he is good at it. He would ditch anything if there is a girl involved, last time I checked. You will be a nobody to him. So anyway, he plans to ditch, but leaves all his things in the room. So, as the duty of the landlord, they find a replacement for all these guys who just left with in a days' time without a little heads up. And this guy wants me to take care of his things till he comes back. Freaking Genius. 

Now, I come home to a cigarette smoke infested room. Not that the new guy stays in my room but the adjacent room and unfortunately for me, I stay in the place which is accessible by all rooms. So, I am being the victim. That isn't the problem because adjusting isn't a new thing for me, either if they are new or old, but a little intimation about the future plans would be admired. But I don't see minimum decency nor the courtesy factor. I don't know what are these people made up of. I am really glad that these people are gone, not that the new people are any good. But at least I don't know them and nor do they.