" A person is what they make of themselves. "
I know I have been a mistake. Period.
The sun hid beyond one's reach among the grey clouded sky. There is light, but the source invisible. Why do I feel the same? That my thoughts are clouded and the decisions that I make are not so correct. Well, I have never made a good judgement, ever. So, may be I am just like that - Bad Judgement.
There has been never ending debate and a war-sort-of in my mind. I feel that my insides are burning, burning red hot and venting is out of picture. I tried to shout, write, scream, whatnot. I am just a sucker at that. Can't blame anyone except me. And I see people looking at me, trying to be something greater, where as I not not even willing to climb the ladder. Why, you ask? I ask myself the same question a hundred times over in a single day.
It's easy, to blame, for every petty-little thing that happens which you haven't wished to have happened. And whom is at blame here? I should say myself? But that's a different story because nobody wants to believe that they themselves could have got it wrong. There is always one person who seems easy to blame, the dear God. In happiness, who is he? In sadness, he is the rescuer and an element of blame. Ah, I know I may be the only one blaming, but it is hard to accept that I am the person who is responsible for the actions that I do/did and will do.
Now, I made a mistake. A big one , indeed. Something that is irreversible. And something if not have done would have blamed myself for eternity. Now I blame myself for doing it. So, what is it? I do - I blame myself. I don't - I would have blamed myself. This sounds like a very tricky situation. What should I do , then ? Its' like that the blaming never ends, and especially when its' me IT.NEVER.ENDS.
But most importantly, I am scared. I really don't know. I have been scared before but not like this. I am in a dilemma and as they say at the crossroads, crossroads of life. I have made a decision a long back, but never got to implement it, because I never stopped blaming. Blaming who? Our friendly God. Because I tried and failed at it, repeatedly.
I am fed up of all this blame-game that I started and that never ever ends. And I wanted to end this once and for all. Again I tried, I just couldn't. I hope I stop this nuisance that I started long back and just put an end to it.
Because at the end of the it's always dark, no matter what. One has to find their own light and let it be a guide. But I just see darkness everywhere even when there is bright light. May be I am just blind, or just blind to hope.
Dear God,
Be the Light in darkness,
And be the guide to the blind.
For I can see not a light,
In the daylight of life.
Show me where the sun rises
Guide me in its path.
For I am lost,
In the journey called Life.
I extend myself to you,
Hope to reach your hand.
- One Lost Blind Guy
___________________________
:( I don't know what to say. The blame game, yah, even I have that habit- I do - I blame myself. I don't - I would have blamed myself.
ReplyDeleteI do that often, and that to a large extent keeps me unhappy. And even as I am reading this (oh bdw I read all your posts okay, its such an addiction. Coming on that later, yah its going to be a long comment :P)I realize that we do that perhaps because either we are too good, or probably we are insecure, and just can't do what we REALLY want.
true that not everybody can lead a life what they dream to be. Our life is a bundle of compromises. I am not sure what exactly your current issue is, as there is always one after the other, or just a group visit. I am not even sure if things are fine or not, which actually aren't, but hoping that it will turn to best soon.
Since you are shy (and the opposite as a writer), I don't think you would have opened up somebody. I guess you should, especially if you have somebody to. If not, well either go for an aimless city tour, or do what you are best at - photography. Staying in that zone, trust me, on the surface and to the outsiders it is all fine, but as time ticks by, its weight will stamp your strength, and .. okay, I am not scaring. But you got the point.
Now coming to your writing, I don't know if i ever told you, but i seriously love love love your writing. the way you express yourself, and lot many things surrounding your life, i love it a lot. Sometimes even the confusions have a neat and smooth flow that i am left speechless as the way you put it. odd to admit it, but you give me a complex. Seriously. period.
And you know what? someday I am gonna meet you, and seek tips from you (or rather know the secrets) as to how you are able to write like this. And no, this wont be a never-going-to-be-fulfilled dream. Spare sometime for that, okay?
PS: In case, in the remote corner of your mind, you thought it was a inspiring or motivating comment, you are blind. I sucked at writing, but since you are smart enough, you got the point i hope. Just keep writing.
Thank you for such a long comment and especially your time.
DeletePhotography, I wish I have time for it.
Why, Thank you. :) Glad you like my writing. However hard it is to believe, I will give it a try to believe.
You might meet me someday. And you might end up sharing your thoughts/ideas/secrets on writing. I am too meager of a writer and tips from me? - That's the last thing you would want. Believe me.
i don't like your writing, I LOVE it man, seriously! And it's isn't hard to believe, if you agree that a fellow writer (at least a decent writer?) says that!
DeleteAnd yeah, I am serious about meeting you. Don't get me wrong, but I ADMIRE your writing a lot lot.. As far as the tips is concerned, oh well, I know you are shy and would be too humble to even agree you write good and leak your writing secrets, so i won't coax, but meeting the writing hands behind these Shaded thoughts, it comes in my to-do-list-before-i-die. And who knows when their last day on the earth is? So game for it? (I shouldn't even ask probably, but then, let me little soft to Mr. Shy :P)
This is one deep post! Took me a while to interpret it.
ReplyDeleteI know I had vanished. Was down with chicken pox. So I hope to read all your posts when I find time but excuse if I lack in the commenting section since my reader is overflowing with posts worth 2 weeks from so many blogs.
So how have you been?
I hope you didn't lose much of your time or patience, may be.
DeleteOh. How are you now? Ah, its okay. Take your time.
And most importantly Take Care. Reading the posts can wait, I guess.
What is it dude! So drowny words..did you lose your job?? then why are talking like this..seriously. I am baffled here. Blind too.Period.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew. Or should I say, I wish I could tell.
DeleteNah. Then I would have been happy, I guess.
Don't mind me for some time now. I am just getting mad day in day out.
Hey bdw did you notice, for most of your posts, girls are the first (and equally concerned) to post a comment. Was just wondering, are you blind even to this? :P
ReplyDeleteHey, did you notice that for most of your posts, girls are the first and the most (and equally concerned) to comment? Are you blind even to this 'Mr. Shy Guy'? :P
ReplyDeleteGood Point.
DeleteBut did you see the followers list in the top. I don't have much of the guy-followers.
maybe the 'being shy' formula works magical? ;) :P
DeleteOften we blame others for things we've done, I think this is something we all do. But ultimately it's us who are responsible for our lives, maybe not what physically occurs, but definitely how we respond to it. But your situation seems a little more interesting, I hope that everything works out.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I too hope so.
DeleteThanks.
blinded in our own agony..
ReplyDeleteTrue that.
DeleteAn I thought it was just me sick to death of my life schedule!! :P:P
ReplyDeleteIt's just that if you can't see the light for now...just don't try hard to find it out, coz in such conditions we are often concentrating in the wrong direction. But that's nobody's fault...it's just that we don't realize the presence of...a different direction. :) Just hold on for a while...trust me!
No, my friend. I have been here since the beginning of time.
DeleteYeah, exactly. Actually, I am in dilemma whether it is the right or the wrong path.
Thanks. :)
*Still Holding on*.
These days we seem to be worried about consequences than the purpose of an action...no one recognizes purpose...and soon we start to blame ourselves for everything done and not done.
ReplyDeleteI am not saying I have blamed myself for everything done or not done in my life, but its been too much for me to bear that at one point I stopped looking and when faced a problem...then think, what now? What can I do about it? I always knew I am not ideal or perfect...even better I agree I don't even have that much common sense.....so? What about it?
When you said "I know I am a mistake"...what were you thinking?
I dare you -start forgetting others and yours expectations on you - and tell me nothing changed!