Something I will never Understand.

Day 168

Life is mundane. There are always two sides of a coin. We flip a coin and expect something to come up. Lets say, Heads. We say heads in our mind, telepathically telling the coin to turn up as Heads. Then we are disappointed. So, we flip the coin again. And again we are disappointed. To even the odds, the coin is flipped for the last time and as usual we are disappointed. The coin here is the culprit. It did not oblige to the telepathic messages that were send to it. 

You can call me a gambler. For starters, I have no idea how the game is played. But anyway I gamble. I might have lost a hundred games. I will come back again, trying my - what we usually call - luck. This time I feel, I am sure to win, and win BIG. I put all in. And every time it is the same thing that I fail to recognize even after a thousand plays - thousand plays of losing. Because they said, have hope, don't give up. It has never worked - whatever that hope is - whatever that not-giving up is. 

A very good friend of mine said, what can she tell about Life to a person who writes thought-provoking posts about the so called Life. I agree or disagree ? I don't know. But if she says so, she must be right. But inside my mind, I hear a mocking sound echoing - "Seriously, You?" Now there is dilemma. And I fall into a vast space of void where the path that I want to / should take is well... Void. I write about Life, sure. I write to understand it. It has never been my area, and never understood its way of working. I am always amazed, ...hmm..er.. amazed is too brilliant of a word... and then I would be lying if I said that.. I am always in awe, in hysteria, in confusion (sometimes) and scared (all the time).

There is a war in the mind, a never ending war. The desires (read:weapons) of a person snatched away and left alone to battle. It burns me from inside. But like they say, there is always good at the end of the road, or precisely there is light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, yeah, I agree none the less. There is light, sure, indeed. But I am on the other side of the tunnel where it is dark and well let me burst the bubble and just say, I am walking to the wrong end of the tunnel feeling that it is the right path. 

The war, that war, which never ends no matter what. I just hope for a day when the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener. I hear someone saying 'It already is'.. 'Why don't you see it?' I don't know, why I can't or is it I shouldn't? I don't know what is it. That smile that is on the face is a reflection of an agonized mind. That sort of agonized that never stops thinking, that never stops flipping the coin even when it knows the result won't be what is expected, that puts all the money in the game of cards which it sure knows that winning is out the picture. "Excuse me, why don't you get under the roof. You are soaking wet." I snap out to the voice of a stranger to find myself staring at the ground beneath me drenched in water as the heavy drops from the sky kept piling up, and as the rain lashed the very part of me. What was I thinking? I did not know. I never knew. May be I never will.