A question.

I have been asked a question a lot many times these past few months. And I am getting more familiarized with the very question with no good answer. Well, I do have an answer, but this puts in front of me a few more unanswerable questions. The very question could tell almost everything about me, or perhaps give a brief insight about me in a nutshell. If you are wondering what this question is, let's find out. 

The last month had my birthday and the ritual that I follow consists of me going out, spending on food and umm, that's pretty much it. For the past six to seven years, I have been doing the same. So, one of the following days after the "big day", it goes on like this (most of the times) :

What did you do on your birthday?

I went out and had a stupendous meal.

With whom?

I went alone.

*a little perplexed face, probably because they don't know how to react to that while I give an awkward smile*

The weekends after a very busy week, which most of the people eagerly wait. Since the time Monday begins, I look forward to the weekend in anitcipation of doing something exciting. Then again the eagerly awaited weekend finally arrives and those two days shouldn't go wasted in any way. So, I go for movies (sometimes), or to that new restaurant which opened last week, or the new Starbucks Coffee to check what the fuss about the coffee for the high pocketed or if I feel too lazy, to the regular coffee shop. The following day, Monday which everyone of us hate, the conversation goes on ..

How was your weekend? How did it go?

It was okay types. As usual

How was your weekend?

It was okay. I hung out with my friends.

What did you do ? 

Well, I went to watch a movie on Saturday.

With whom?

Umm, Alone? 

I revamped my Camera. You know the karma shit. It is always there to kick my ass, even if I don't do anything to it. My camera had a trouble, for reason unknown. The cost of repair was equal to a new camera. Yeah, karma is a Biatch. When I say revamped, you get the point, right? I took a new one. Though I wanted to take a high end model, then I realized I was a shitty photographer already ( Photography : proof ), so if I were to go for a high end camera, I had to know everything that is to know how to operate a camera, properly. No, I still don't know. Yes, I have been using a camera for 4 years now. Remember, the shitty photographer comment I threw at myself? Anyhow, I revamped that whole thing but I think I am letting it get dusty safely in the cupboard. Instead, I had an idea of going out, somewhere out of the city or perhaps out of the country. [ But then my bank balance : Zero ] *cries harder*. So, I got a lot of saving to do ( don't laugh, please ). But I took the effort to research a few places and decided to go anywhere somehow this very year. My initial plan was to go this very month whilst I will procrastinate. But remember I mentioned something about revamping the camera, the result of which is reflected in the bank balance. My first choice was Mauritius ( did you see the photos? the sea water? just perfect for honing my photography skills). I thought it was somewhere near Lakshadeep Islands. I found out that it is in Indian Ocean but not a part of India, but Africa. So whatever! I am going there. But let me rob a bank first. A few days later, or I guess it was the following day I was in conversation with a friend.

....So, what else?

Hey, you know what? I am planning to go to someplace, out of the city, like Mauritius, Goa or perhaps Leh Ladakh, or anywhere.

But why?

I am getting bored and so I will go there and take some pictures with the new camera. (I think I sounded a little excited).

Okaay. With whom?

All by myself. ( I was getting bored of using the word alone). 

All this while, I had a lot of thinking about this "issue" at hand. I do a lot of things alone. I don't do a lot of other things because I am alone. You see there are both sides. But the scale is heavier on the things I don't do because I am alone. But let's consider the actual scenarios that I am involved with. Going alone to the movie sucks, I know. But what else am I supposed to do when I have a few friends / acquaintances who bias the movie based on ratings, other's reviews, language, the genre, IMDB rating, whatnot. The problem being we consider watching movie an event. Perhaps it should be done something if we are in a company of people and suddenly decide to spend the time watching a movie. But instead, we plan a week ahead, cancel the plan for the day because we got a movie to watch. I do these things spontaneously, and perhaps thats the reason I go alone?

If you want to watch a movie for passing time, just go and watch with friends. Even if the movie sucks, there will be something to get some fun out of it since there are friends involved and friends won't let a boring movie bother us. But, that is not the case with me apparently, if the movie sucks, I have to put on my headphones and listen to songs and wait for the movie to get over like I did today. Oh bloody hell, that movie had no story and it wasn't getting over anytime soon. 

Now the question that stands in front of me is : Where are your friends, AJ? I wish I had a definitive answer to the question. I am not a people person. It takes time for me get adjusted, acquainted, but when I do I could be crazy, crazy enough for you to block me ( No, not exactly! I am exaggerating. Don't block me now!). I do have friends but sometimes they can't make it to everything I might be involved with. It feels like I have friends but then again I don't. The people whom I consider friends are mostly the people I work with. And as you might have guessed, they have they own friends of their own ( from their school, college, likewise ) and they have known them for a long time have attuned to them in a matter of speaking. There may be new people in our lives, but then again there is that old bond that could never go old, no matter the time / distance / whatnot. I have been a migrant, which means I haven't stayed in a single place for a long time. That should have be a good thing, considering the fact that I have had the chance to meet a lot of people which inturn meant that I should have a lot of friends. There is a procedure that is in play when someone ( say a stranger) becomes a friend, then a best friend and then a friend for life. I haven't stayed long enough to complete that process and all I am left with were friends-turning-acquaintances, while some don't even remember me (true story). Perhaps its' just me and there might be is something wrong with me ( which is true which is quite evident,  Iguess). So, its' me in the limelight again who need some (or a lot) changing to do. But isn't it late? It is late sure, but not late enough to start over. I say this to myself that from tomorrow I will be doing things differently. But the tomorrow turns to hundred another tomorrows and ten years from now, I will be writing this very post again, with a different example. But let's not lose hope, right now ! 

Until later. 

Left alone.

In a city not far away from here, there lived a guy with a personality, a splendid one fortunately. And as we all know that a great personality comes with a lot of baggage and fortunately for him, the baggage was all the good stuff. He had a great work, not what he had dreamed of as a kid, but it pays the bills. Well, "When there's money, everything is probably fine", isn't that right? Anyway, after a few escapades with a few friends from work or a few from his earlier association with the town he was from, college and the school, he had his share of fun whenever he had the chance. Moreover, there were someone to give him a nudge for a weekend getaway or likewise. 

As life balanced on the tight rope between the present and the oblivion, he grew on it, the life. He switched jobs, shifted places and met some of his college mates from his town. As he was battling between different chores and keeping up with little things like promises to his friends was on the downfall. As if the the routine juggling wasn't enough, he also found his love, his college sweetheart who had come to he big city looking to do something big and meaningful just like he did. As fate might have it, he was drawn to her with invisible strings which he terms as "complicated". 

"Complicated! What do you mean complicated?", an inquisitive friend of his asked.

"You wouldn't understand", he said with a sigh! 

"Complicated. Life is complicated, sure. Love is complicated, more sure about it. But that's what life and love are all about, a challenge to simplify it, un-complicate it.", his friend argued like the great philosopher he thought he was. It didn't take much for him to pass along the details of his complicated relationship status to his friend. They will not be together in the future which both of them knew it, but they are together now, sometimes. 

"Complicated? Bloody hell, it doesn't seem to do justice", his friend expressed his agony but then again there was no better word for it. He told his friend that he was still holding on to those invisible strings, swimming in it and letting the stream to take its natural course.

For a while these complicated strings had kept him awry of social life and also from his usual escapades for quite some time now. He and his friend made last minute calls and would meet up but there was no fun at all. They would hang out sitting in the shopping mall staring "at" people(read : girls), and feeling bad (read : sad) about the recent developments in the love lives of all these people, which they are missing/missed out on while they were of their age. While they were sulking in silence, as the year was coming to an end and hence, they decided to go on a different directive this year, something they had always wanted to do but lacked the company of a few more whilst it won't be fun. So, the plan was drafted and the timeline was mapped for the last few hours of the last day of the year. His philosophical-friend was all excited for the year coming to an end realizing that this would be the first time he will be doing something other than his ordinary-boring stay-at-home-and-sulk adventure. Time took an express train and it was new years' eve finally and the plan was still in play. As his philosophical-friend was a little excited and that there were on the clock, he camouflaged through the shadows and bunked his office to be that punctual guy he always was. The day turned out to be the busiest day as the traffic had almost come to a standstill or perhaps moved at snails pace. No one could really put a finger.

While his philosophical-friend was stuck in traffic all this time, he went to one of his other friends' home and was eventually added into our group or two. But they had an early celebration when the new member was called for a night shift. They popped up a few chilled beers and got down to the business of sinking in the early celebration. For him it was the first time while the new guy was a regular. He was slowly getting the kick of the soar tasting chilled beer that slowly made its way down and then up. Eventually he got used to it and he sank into its influence floating in that reserved space that was left unexplored till now. 

Image Courtesy : Google Images

He looked at his buzzing mobile to find his philosophical-friend's number blinking who was still stuck in traffic. He made the small talk and decided to meet up and then proceed with the plan. But by then he had just started his experiment with the soar drink. And time did its magic and whosh fast forward one hour, he felt he was still ready for the big plan while the time slipped away. His philosophical-friend on the other end of the phone had already started feeling that the plan was going sidetracked for the obvious reason thought he never had any clue what was happening on the other side. Fast forward one more hour, he was still making up promises and assuring that he would come and pick him up in another half hour. His philosophical-friend on the other end now knew for sure that he shouldn't have made that plan with him. "This wasn't the first time he had kept someone hanging midway", his philosophical-friend thought feeling like a fool. He silently went for a dramatic long walk, had something and returned back, all by himself. Then the phone buzzed. It was the now-drunk guy, the one who just bailed on the plan perfecting the art of breaking trust and not living up to the word.

"Hey, I had a few too many drinks for the first time. And I can't make it. I am really sorry about it. Don't mind", he sounded almost convincing and sorry he was.

"Hey. Wow, really? It's all right. Don't bother about it. We could do this some other time", his philosophical-friend responded.

"This was the first time I got drunk and I am sorry. Don't mind", he responded with his train of thoughts that he could make up from the aftermath of being drunk.

"Don't worry about it. It's no big deal. Next time may be" his friend sounded almost-normal hiding the disappointment. 

"We will meet next weekend. Sorry. Happy New Year"

"Okay, next weekend, sure thing! Oh, thanks! Happy New Year to you too. Have Fun".

The philosophical-friend reached his room, opened his laptop and started his annual stay-at-home-and-sulk adventure. The ritual he followed almost every year without fail, it seems. This year was supposed to be different. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't. It didn't go according to the so-called-plan. That rest of the night was spent on the internet replying and forwarding the New Year Wishes to each and everyone one in the contact list.

_______________________

That day his philosophical-friend learnt an important lesson, though history almost repeated itself. He had quite a few similar experiences in the past and that was the reason he wasn't as disappointed as he should be. A prominent one of them happened few years back on his 8th birthday. A lesson that some people just could not be make up to the for what they promised or gave their word for. And those whom he considered friends always had another friend that usually didn't include him. And the next fifteen years just solidified his misconception, or was it the truth he choose not the believe in? Eventually he learned to keep everything to himself. But he felt too rooted in this anomaly and wanted something new, something that kept him at par with others. And he felt he was turning a new leaf in his diary and decided to let go of this deeply rooted old notion that he bothered himself for almost all his life. He was on the right track finally, he thought. But the dilemma that whether he was too late to realize or may be that he just didn't fit in bothered him. And he just realized that he made a grave mistake. He thought he could simply turn a new leaf and hoped that everything would just fall into place. He was wrong.

All these years made him self dependent, or perhaps self centered and reminded him everyday that he could never be involved completely as a friend. Each person in his so called friends circle had their separate group of friends. And guess who was left behind when each one of them were to team up. "Please divide yourself into separate groups" always had him wondering where to go while each of the other person knew where they belonged, their place among the multitude of people. What was he battling through? Was it the scar that the life, over all these years left him with? Was it bad or was it a blessing? Or was it those few people who left him scarred. No, it was him, and only him. A pointed finger indirectly points three more fingers at self. That concludes the discussion. It was him. Or was it him really?