'Why, God..WHY?'

It was a weekend. He was excited. Everybody at college was. The college has been hectic that week. The assignments were piled up. But who cared? He didn't. He stayed at hostel. A two day off was all everyone wanted. He planned to go out into the city. Well, He had two days of free time. So, why not enjoy? 

He set out. On his way he sat beside a cute little girl. She was small. She reminded of his cousin sister. She broke his chain of happy-thoughts. She took a pen from his pocket. With her tiny hands she asked for his hand. He was shocked, a little amazed. But he gave her his hand anyway.

Too tiny were her hands to hold that Pen. But she still managed to write. She wrote on his hand with a little ease, a little difficulty which read as - "Class" and made a questioning expression. He was left clueless for a moment. In his mind he thought how to tell he was going to college.  His sister herself has trouble figuring out numbers greater than ten. He hesitantly replied , "12". She didn't understand. She showed him eight fingers. He opened the other two and two of his own.

His stop came. He didn't wanted to get down, but he did anyway. He got down with a heavy heart, for he realized she couldn't speak. He was disheartened. She was so small and a whole life ahead of her. With some sort pain & a ton of sympathy in his heart,  he said, "Why, God...WHY ?"

- Ajay Kontham [2013]

{That "he' in this passage is none other than the Author.}

-A Page from My Diary

P.S. : Nothing more to say. Anyways, as usual the Illustrative Images ...

Old Habits Die Hard.

There is void, empty spaces in the heart. The severity of human patience , sympathy, caring have bound the little fore walls of the heart. Clenched and it makes the heart heavy.

The memories fade as time passes by. But some don't. I look outside the window of my room. The clouds drifting apart, losing the nicely formed white cloud of some shape. The vehicles passing by. I ponder. I think. I wonder whether this would ever stop. Well, then life would cease to exist, won't it?

Life is a never ending journey. I don't know how many times I used this sentence. We come by a lot of people. The empty void spaces are filled with happiness, sadness love and care. The heart is fulfilled and enjoys its very state, or just burdens itself with the pain. The empty spaces are created again. But the cherished memories/moments will be remembered for ever. Life is too short to think otherwise.

A Hard Reality

I've never been happy with the way my life is and how it is going to be. The future is uncertain but its predicable, though not always. It tells me to learn from the experiences and be a better man. The question  : Am I not a better man, now?  No. I wish I were.

I am in a constant battle in my head. Trying to figure out what's right, what's wrong? The result of the tiny battle is undisclosed, though it stays in front of my eyes. But whereever I end, it's exactly the wrong choice. Life goes on, but I am still stuck here - Analyzing and rebuilding. But it goes wrong. My mind says, Eff it. And I leave it. 

I ponder over the lost moments and time. I feel I could have done more, done better. But again reality strikes me and asks me in hell raging voice "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?". I search for answers. After a lot of time, I then realize I was doing the wrong thing searching for the answers to which the question is so unclear, for it wasn't a question at all in the first place. My mind says, "Eff, man". 

I realize the question was the motivation for me to do, not find. It meant work, not fooling around. It meant realization, not constipation. I now feel time was left a long time back and I am still at the station waiting for something, something to pick me up. From somewhere unknown I hear a voice saying, "You are still doing it wrong!" Old habits die hard. I was still sitting there analyzing what went wrong and where & what did I do wrong. 

Then It struck me. I was just sitting. I was thinking. I wasn't thinking 'right'. I was wondering. I wasn't channeling the thoughts properly. I wasn't working. I was't DOING. I stand up and realize, its' time to Do. It is never too late to start afresh. Now, I walk the empty roads. Roads, which lead to different distinct destinations. Now, I find myself lost. 

"What's my destination? "

Old Habits Die Hard. 

I again sit down and think. I don't think right.

-  Ajay Kontham [2013]

P.S. : I thought for a long time about the title of this post. Many came up. My Insanity , Wrongly, Right, bla bla. So, at last I did select a weird one.

A Tiny War.

The incandescent light flickering in the limelight of my soul when solace and peace of mind are betrayed. The multitude of desires overwhelmed with compassion. The heart is just a mere object which desires endless often stimulated with little attractions. Little thoughts pestering the mind. 

There is war. War between two unlikely things. The Good and the Bad. The Brain and the Heart. People say Think with your mind and Love with your heart. The lesson so vivid and clearly consumed by the heart that it loves everything. But the mighty brain persuades to think before proceeding. But the mind fails to control this only part of the entire human system despite the warnings. 

The brain warns of the senseless consequences of the actions of the dear heart. And what crime did the heart commit except than just showing a mere love and affection. A tiny war between mind and Heart where the Heart stands out and justifies the title. When Love is in the air, the heart gets all excited while the brain is in its best to maintain its dignity. But the heart sucks it down the pit hole. It falls in love, the inevitable feeling which the brain can never understand. But then again, the brain isn't just a piece of useless thing. It still warns of the gave-pit. What greater loss can it(the brain) endure?  The little difference between 'liking' and 'loving', the brain tries to explain. Then again there is infatuation. Another deadly poisonous sting in the back of the tail. 

While the Heart desires, the mind eludes from those desires. But who is stronger? The human will is nothing in front of the heart-ly desires. The mighty brain also has to kneel before it. Baffled is the brain, when the heart flatters itself for mere gestures. Period. Amazed is the heart when it finds the relief in the little moments of bliss. All is well that starts and ends well. But perfection is a distant land to seek. For the definition of perfection changes with each episode of life. And so does the desires of the heart. Then the disparity and the pain that the heart endures is painful as the mind tries to evade such  a distress. While the mind suffers with disillusion of what's happening to the heart and knitting the broken pieces. The heart is young and attracted.  

The above picture is just what the heart needs. Well, we don't have to say anything to it. It does its work without prior consultation. When heart desires, it inflicts the mind and persuades it to think more often about the desired. The mind becomes the prey for the desires. The little game is played perfectly by both until one has a disagreement on something and the heart cries in despair which the mind is accounted to pay for. The mind suffers for the betrayed love which was so pleasing till that moment. There are sleepless nights while the mind tries to overcome the little agony of pain. The sum of the heart which the heart has to pay. Then again, the same story continues. 

P.S. : I drifted away a little bit in the ending.