Sometimes.

“I was at the dead end of the world and looked back. I saw the trails of the journey. I saw the unsuccessful stories, the difficulties of the life. I thought I was at the end and looked forward again, I saw something similar. Something, which I had seen long back where it all had started there. I then realized that the World id round and I was at the very beginning.”

“Was it the beginning of the end?

 OR. 

Was it the end of the beginning?”

Life is a Paradox. Sometimes we achieve what we want and sometimes we get even if we don’t want. And sometimes we don’t get what we want. And sometimes we don’t want and we don’t get anything.

Sometimes I feel someone has put a gun at point-blank range and is getting his desired work done. I reluctantly accept with the fear of being killed or say love for my pity life. And sometimes I feel to let him pull the trigger and let it all end. This was sadness in me, the depression in me. Why am I depressed? Why am I sad? What is the cause, the reason? Well, I am not bothered. Are you?

I am at the hill top and feel the peace of the height and the calm wind making me forget who I am and leaving all worries I stand there for hours. But the mind is never at ease and neither is the heavy heart. It breaks the happiness into pieces and draws upon me again the inverted U face. It searches for the ultimate fault in me and strikes me back saying, “Don’t you remember this, that?” Somewhere deep beneath the heart, I feel like jumping off the cliff but cannot. Don’t ask me why? Because I too don’t know. I pause.

I feel like shouting and let the agony, pain, distress, misery in me vanish into the sands and let them dissolve in the ocean by the stream of tears. But, there is something supernatural beholding me which forbids me in doing anything. WHY ME? Sometimes I can’t sustain the acquisitions. I can’t take anymore. Sometimes the single mistake haunts me more than the mid night ghost. Sometimes I feel, I am burned to ashes, but I am the single piece of paper un-burnt with tattered pieces of ash.

Solace, comfort, relief, peace is what I am searching for. I searched everywhere, but not the place where they are available and I don’t know where it is. I can’t think anymore. The agony has swept away me from thinking. The darkness has overwhelmed me. I am in the shadows of the daylight and darkness of the night moon.

Sometimes… sometimes… Isn't there an end to these? I could hear a voice inside me say in a faint voice yet loud enough, “ NO ”.

P.S. : This post was buried beneath the numerous posts. I have been revisiting my old posts and felt to re-share this post.