Am I good?

I stared at the screen for a moment. I dozed off for a moment. Oh, wait what? I almost skimmed through the message without considering its depth but then I paused. The following message helped me to snap out of my rambled obscurity. It was one of those moment when you question the question -  What the what? The mind flies into that mystic Neverland only to find oneself in one of those dilemmas. 

"You are a good friend"! 

*Pats myself*. "Truer words have never been spoken". I say that to myself feeling a little accomplished. But this one sentence got me into thinking. I have never heard it before. Yeah, I have heard that You are friend a lot many times but not every person mean it, do they? So far I have heard this from two of my friends. One was from a colleague and when he says you know that he means. It does give that tiny feeling of satisfaction or something-like-that when someone says such sweet heart felt words and mean it. While the other person hasn't even met me nor have I. Not even once. But when this friend of mine trusts to confide in me, it really feels good. Need I lecture about the trusting people, because we all know that it is something to be earned. And when someone like my friend responds with such kindness of words, you know that you earned their trust. When you are a victim of such kindness or pampering, one is compelled to keep up the attire and walk in the same footsteps for the time yet to come. 

I am no exceptional. I love to be the victim of that pampering. But I have never been much of a talker. I have found confinement in the silence than in expressing. Why, you ask? I wish I had an answer. But it just takes a few umm, months to get me to open up, give or take a few days. That's a LOT of time! Yeah, I know. I wish I was a little different and quick at falling in line. But not quite so. And this is just too slow that  I lose my queue. AK? Who's that? Yeah, I wasn't the front-runner nor was I the back-runner. I was still in the dressing room. Can you believe this guy whatever his name is? Time changes people, I guess some people don't fall into that category.

I stood there while my mind dozed in a dazed expression of dilemma instigating what might have just happened. However genuine the gesture was, I feel that pinch inside every time I face it. Something went wrong a while back. There was this almost perfectly stable circle of human friendship which got haywire with one incident and it just tore that circle into pieces revealing the true colors. No one knew that there were colors hidden beneath that plain transparent surface and that certain incident showed colors like a litmus paper.There was every possibility of ignoring all those colors and accepting them well because the bond of friendship was much more precious than a few faded colors. But those colors dug deep into their skin and as time passed they severed all ties. I was the neutral element and even tried waving the white flag as the ambassador of peace talks. Its' not up to the ambassador anymore. The train has left the station.

"Thank you for coming". As a reflex to the common thank you, the words "You're wel... " almost reach the peripheral of my lips when I freeze. Everything around just moves in slow motion while my mind starts its inquisition about what just happened. While the mind process all this, the person is back on their way to work while I stand there mid way at the opened door. Though my silent response never ceases to change no matter how many times I am faced with this same sweet plausible gesture. Alternatively I try to say "Hey, you don't have to thank me. This is what friends do" but it just fades away under my breath. 

"Am I a good friend?" Let me rephrase that....

Can I be your good friend?