A distant memory.

The overnight rain laid out a clear sky, well almost. The sun shone through the clouds that formed huge boulders. The sky was blue yet looked a little tired. Perhaps it was the inconsistent rain from the previous night. Or perhaps it was my insomnia that made me late yet again. 

I drowned in my chair realizing the work at hand and the deadlines that I had to meet. This wasn't how I had hoped the melancholic Monday to start of with. Yes, I understand the irony. "Coffee", my mind shouted. Oh, yes Coffee- A perfect remedy to get back to the real world. I took out my coffee mug from from the drawer and examined the weahter outside looked at the floor-to-roof window on the far end. It was pretty chilled inside and thanks to the centralized air conditioner and a warm coffee could really do wonders. I grabbed my cup and was about to...

She happened. My eyes were transfixed. Perhaps, they were lost. She walked past, but I still stuck at the moment I saw her. Even though she went past like a flash, I froze revisiting the moment that just passed by, the cup in my hand suspended in the air, like someone pulled a gun and shouted "Freeze".  That brief moment temporarily numbed my mind, my conscious. I kept staring at the window long after she brisked past my sight, like I was just lost in thought. I can only see the shadow, an outline of the shadow of her, moving slowly as if time had stopped for a while, a blurred image trailed in front of me. I woke up from my lost state a moment later realizing I was stating at the empty glass plane.

"Where did she go?", I shouted under my breath. I couldn't find her. I felt the blood drain from my face. I never understood the reason behind it. But suddenly, I felt that gaping hole in my chest. Perhaps it was the heart that stopped listening, or the mind that stopped thinking. I kept the cup down which was still in the air. For a while I forgot what I was doing, what I wanted to do, what I should be doing. I just sank deep into my chair comprehending what just happened. Beauty. Elegance. Charm. Cute. The words, left me astray to even describe her. It was a shame that I couldn't get a perfect word to describe her. Beauty in simplicity. Elegance in how she carried herself. Cute the way she smiled. Charismatic in her energetic self and her talks. I can't even find the right words for her. The heart was a confused place right now. 

In the days that followed, I saw her again. Relieved. Happy. Content. But the heart, the heart made more noise than the empty vessel. I picked myself up from the apparent daydream encompassing the perfection. I wanted to etch her in words. I wanted the her image to be a memory, a forever memory. I saw her a couple of times, but I had a feeling that staring at her just might give the impression that I was 'checking' her out and the usual conclusion of the guys who check girls out are called creepy guys. I was in no position to bring myself to that impression. Yes, to put in right words, I was afraid to look at her. I don't know why. I didn't have answers then, nor do I have now. But I caught her graceful eyes this one time between the crowded multitude of people. A millisecond later they stared back. And my heart had a massive panic attack. Instead of leaping into those eyes, I went astray and blew my one chance. It took a while for my face to come back to normal from the flushed state. I mentally kicked myself for blowing my first impression. 

Eyes are a crazy thing. I am always searching for her,even when I pretend to be working or talking to somebody or no matter what I was doing. All the time. She is still a image, a beautiful shadow indeed, but I still didn't have the details to perfectly portray her. This one time the corner of my eye catches her while I was still looking at the screen in front of me. I saw her walk towards me. For a second, my mind raced with gazillion thoughts and my face was flushed red. She stood behind me for a very very brief moment. I thought this was the moment she would talk. And I was already preparing how to respond and assuring myself not to screw this up curling my lips, smiling inside. A faint of perfume brushed past me while my heart slipped into my mouth. I swear it really did. I turned back to respond even with all the quietness that surrounded me but she was already gone. Holy mother of God. That almost gave me a heartache. I kicked myself again mentally for being so stupid. 

My tenure was over and my initial idea of inscribing her in words was left as a distant dream. She is still blurred image, but a beautiful one. I wanted her as a memory for as long as I can. But I never got a chance to know her. I never got a chancet o tell her what I felt. I never gota chance to carve a perfect image in my mind, in paper. All I had was an image, a shadow in bits and pieces and a hell lot of emotions, the feelings which I still don't even understand.

Memory Palace

September 2015

Kolkata