What have I been upto?

• I have started writing when I was in college. My inspiration has been my cousin brother. But when I was into the business of writing, I mean blogging, I was concerned about what people would be reading. People are judgmental and I have known it as for a fact. So, I have kept that part alive in my mind whenever I used to write. "What will people think?" "Log kya sochenge". This thought has always haunted me for as long as I can remember. But I have developed this stubbornness in me which enables me to care less about what others have to say about it. And this is one of the reason for planning to shift to an anonymous name. Because there is too much heat and we can't put everything in paper and be okay with it. Because there are people who read me. That's not the problem. The problem is people know me. Well that happened because I have been blogging and I have developed this bond of bloggers and I think I could call it friendship of sorts. Please correct me if I am wrong. And I am really surprised that they know me better than the people with whom I usually hang out with. So, anyway the point is that there are these people who care in a way. And there are few people from my family who know about my blog. Yeah, I know bummer. It's really odd when they point out to what I write on my blog and say that I am good at English. Wait, everybody does that, from cousins to friends. And whenever a new English word comes across they look at me for a meaning. I am like "no no don't look at me. *opens phone and appears busy* and probably don't look at their side". But nothing of that works at all. And they say the inevitable "Hey, AJ is the only one good at English here among us. He writes blogs in which I can't understand a thing. So AJ, what does *some-foreign-word* mean?" I am still asked the meaning and I appear as dumb as anybody or even worse. I write. I write plain English. This is not even Shakespeare with thy's and thou's. I was reading Bible the other day on my mobile from a Bible app, yeah after a long time, the writing is written in almost the same way. How are we supposed to understand that? Why can't people write in more simple language LIKE ME!!! 

• I have been absent from blogging/writing from a long long time. I wrote a couple of posts in the last month. Well, a couple only to be exact. And need I mention that I was belittling myself of whatever. What I mean to say is that I have not written a sensible post in a long time. Sensible!? Wow. When did I ever write one? Right? You thought the same, didn't you? *High Five*. I guess I still can't write unless I let it all out. Now, don't ask me what it is. Because I have been trying to let it out, at least write it out in some way or the other. But I have been failing at it every single time. I think I am frustrated. I think I have been holding back for a little too long. And it is not coming out. I tried very hard to let it out. But it isn't just happening. It is hard. No. It is becoming hard for a day to end. And the worst thing about it, it is a daily thing. And even worse is that I am unable to pen it out, and let the universe take its own course. But whenever I sit with a laptop in front of me and then my mind goes whoosh, total void, like an empty black hole. I try to snap out of it, but it never worked that way. Then I let go of it and plan to write some other time, may be after a long walk. I walk in the starry-cloudy night and feel inspired enough to write because the whole walk I had been rehearsing what needs to be let out and I usually speak it out. And this time, I sit with a pen and paper. The inevitable happens again. That emptiness is back. 

• You know anything about karma? Or god? Or anything supernatural? Or when they say that when we do good, something good happens to us. Yeah, I believe that last one. Karma is not my forte. And God? Believe me, he is the reason for teaching me all teh curse words. I have always been disgusted by all the curse words. I have known a few, courtesy of the friends and people around me. But I have never let any of it out. That was one of my New Year Resolutions, every fking year.(Yeah, you read it right!) And believe me, I wouldn't have if it were my choice. Because no one told me that "When we don't do anything something does happen to us, and that something is not pretty. No. It's nowhere near good." I had this doubt what would happen if we indeed did something bad. Then something bad would happen but at least we have a reason when something bad happens to us. But when we do nothing good nor bad and still something bad happens to us. It's fucking crazy. Its' not karma or any of that bullshit, but a reason would be good for starters. And there, I start cursing. All that I have known just comes out like anything. But I still bad for saying it out loud. Mostly because I have no idea whom I am cursing or what. I should stop now else you would totally stop coming here for good.

• People have been mysterious to me. I have traveled and seen so many people that I felt that I have understood people. But there are always some or the other new person who give me a whole new meaning and discards what I had known. And again I tell you People are mysterious. We can never really understand people. There is this thing going between a calm group of colleagues-cum-friends that I am still unable to decipher. Some words were exchanged, some misunderstanding, some ego problems and that's it, everything is broken. I am just too fucking tired to mend the broken things here. Because it is always some or the other person with a ego problem or say something absurd or don't think twice before saying something. Just fucking think twice already, for once. Oh wait, I am still swearing. I think its better to stop here.

• I think I am losing my English. Sometimes, I have no idea what I am saying or writing. People around me have been manipulating my English in way or the other. I have seen so many Facebook and Twitter posts about the wrong use of "You and You're", that I am doubting everytime I have to use an apostrophe('). I have completely forgotten its use and where to use it. I double check whenever I use it. And it feels so WRONG that I change the word itself with no apostrophe. This is so insane. So.. Fu.. insane. 

• Money has always been on people's mind. Don't you say money doesn't make anyone happy. I bet I will beat the shit out you. If you don't feel the same, give it to me. So  anyway, your opinion is of no one's concern here. I don't have much money. I mean no money. Whatever little I make is not even sufficient for me for a month. But then again, I don't hold back when it comes to spending money. I spend and spend and spend. I have this feeling that I have to enjoy now. Not exactly enjoy, but whenever I can I don't want to hold back something just because it costs a few more bucks. So, I am like that homeless guy at the corner of the street on the fortnight of the month. But still, I don't hold back. I again believe that the present is more important and tomorrow is uncertain and the future should not hold me back for the present. Wait, What the hell am I even writing? There is this stupid song playing at this coffee shop and I am just following the beat and writing whatever comes to my mind. 

Signing off. 

Phew, finally relieved right?

You are welcome.