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Lost in Delicacy
Melodious, The Snow Song
Winter Trees Dance
This is a Haiku written under the prompt 'Winter Trees (Shiki)' for Carpe Diem.
P.S. : Well, this is my first attempt on Haiku. So, Please Bear with me. :/ And suggestions are totally welcome. Bring them on..
First Attempt? Well this is good! You should write more often, for haiku are one of the loveliest form where words flow in few but speaks volume!
ReplyDeleteLiked the song and dance combination! :)
Yeah, First Attempt.
DeleteThank You. I will write more. :)
Yeah, I am just learning about Haiku.
Thanks, again. :)
First I love to say 'welcome at Carpe Diem', I am glad that you have found the way to this daily haiku meme. Second ... for a first attempt on haiku .. this is wonderfully composed. You have painted the image which I shared on Carpe Diem with the haiku by Shiki. If you love this poetry form, maybe the Carpe Diem Lecture number 1 is something to read. Haiku has strong rules, but as Basho (a classical haiku master) once said 'read the rules and forget them immediately'. I think that's very wise of Basho to say. Don't be hard with yourself when you write your haiku, enjoy it ... because that's what I do enjoying haiku since the late eighties.
ReplyDeleteI hope to see you here again Ajay ... you're so welcome to share with Carpe Diem.
(PS.: I am the host of Carpe Diem)
Thanks a lot. :)
DeleteI wish to write more.
Wow ... the dance makes it special !!!
ReplyDeleteThanks a Lot. :)
DeleteGlad you liked it. :)
"lost in delicacy"- I love that line. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank You. :)
Deletefirst attempt? well you should make more^^ beautiful words..
ReplyDeleteYeah.
DeleteI intend to.
Thank You. :)
Very lovely, espec for a first try! you seem to have the basic premise down, and it takes time and practice to learn about and create haiku...keep on keeping on..
ReplyDeleteWhy, Thank You. :)
DeleteYeah, I am still learning that. :)
"lost in delicacy" is a great line.
ReplyDeletea suggestion on writing haiku:
First, don't worry about 5-7-5. There is more to haiku than forcing 17 syllables into 3 lines of 5-7-5. Sometimes a poem is better with less. Sometimes poems just naturally sound best in 5-7-5. It depends on the poem.
Focus less on metaphor, simile, heavy emotion, romantic or flowerly language, and personification in haiku.
Haiku is all about real moments that the poet can see in real everyday life. A good haiku suggests or lets the reader "finish the poem" with his or her own thoughts. A haijin (haiku poet) doesn't beat the reader over the head with his ideas.
Haiku is about subtlety. Haiku shows rather than tells. Trees don't literally dance, but they do sway or shake in the wind--depending on the wind strength.
Haiku is also all about juxtaposition or comparing two unalike things, like the trees and a dance in this case. This is a strong haiku idea that needs a little tweaking.
If you want to compare dancing and winter trees try subtlety to suggest a winter dance rather than come outright and say it. It's tricky and that's why haiku isn't as easy as it looks, but it's a lot of fun.
a delicate dance
the trees gently sway
in the winter wind
gently swaying
to the winter wind's song
the trees
A dance metaphor is still in #1. The song metaphor is in #2. They're both more subtle and only have one metaphor instead of two. Less is more in haiku.
Sorry for being so long-winded and so pedantic, but you did say: "suggestions are totally welcome" and "bring it on," so...
Welcome. Hope to see more of your posts.
Its' totally alright.
DeleteThanks for the comment. :) Really thanks for the advice.
I will work on it. :)