Oh Boy, Could it be any worse?

I feared as much. I had this coming. I kind of waited for it, it seemed like. So when I wrote about what I felt the other day, I was in the limelight with light foccussed on me while the questions were bombarded at me. I tried to justify my actions. But I think I went a little too far when I wrote. I thought I got that under control. But clearly I didn't. Because when the questions came, they were the ones I least expected to be. And I came to a point where I thought I might have written something and left it in the middle that gave the concerned people a little thought to ponder over.

I always wanted to be that go-to-guy where people would ask my opinion or advice or even tell stuff or call me up late night just to talk. I know I was expecting a little too much. But what was wrong in trying. But I couldn't be that. Because. Wait, I will have to explain this in detail. But, I blew it off. Right off the roof. Now I am one hundred percent sure that people hate me more than ever. There is no beauty in holding back, I thought and I was wrong. 

The people whom I hang out with are a little temperamental. I was actually trying to write a story on them most of which is supposed to be fiction. I was just done with the introductions. I am still in the process of writing a story, which I presume I will write in the days to come. So, yeah. Temperamental! People usually get angry too fast. It is a human trait. If something they hear about themselves is something they didn't expect or when someone starts teasing them, it is a little know fact that people will get angry about it. But so is not the case among friends. Friends are one, where we can be ourselves besides our home, and even if they crack a few jokes or tease it is not a big of a deal. After all they are friends, a second family, I could say. So, the problem with a little temper is that people get angry for the silliest of the reasons. Like if I say, I won't come for something since I am held up in some other work, people get angry. If I say something or start teasing or however small the issue is, people get angry and leave the group. I was disturbed by this persistent leaving the group. It is I, who have to add them back every single time. I had no problem doing that. But leave in the first place! When we consider each other as friends, we talk, we say things to pull each other's pants, tease and what not. Isn't it supposed to be taken in a jovial manner rather than get all hyper and leaving the group? I had a lot many chances where I wanted to leave this group so bad because this was getting out of hand and like everybody else I was also losing my cool. Once, it is fine. Twice is also acceptable. But for every silly reason, it doesn't look cool. But I could never. Even when I am mentioning about leaving the group, at the back of my head I am like, "Who? Me? Am I kidding myself? I could never do that!". For god's sake these are my friends and I could never leave them even if I wanted to. 

I was asked whether I was comfortable in the group. I seriously have no idea what I wrote that gave this idea/impression. I could gladly say, Hell Yeah! I have never been so free with anyone. Sure, people judge but it always stays among the group. We have that confidence. I remember mentioning something about the dissimilarities and similarities among people. Let me clear that air. I am a very reserved person. Believe me, I don't talk much in person. You could ask my parents, or my relatives, or my previous acquaintances. So, if I am talking with you, that itself is an indication that I hold a special place for you. I have been among a multitude of people who came from different places and to add to that I have traveled a lot many places. I don't have many friends, to say the least. You might have heard the term 'Friends for Life' or 'Best Friends Forever'. I can never really associate myself to that title ever. And I felt that it is basically the similarities among people that bring people close to each other and that they end up such a title. But I was wrong. When I met this group, half of the people didn't even speak my language. That is the least of the concerns. To  add to it, we were of different age groups. Three people are a year older to me. And like I assumed the similarities was one important factor. It isn't. I was wrong about it. Though I may not expect them to hold a special place for me, I can gladly tell that I hold a special place for all these guys. So, when I look back I could remember them and say, I had a very nice batch of friends. And if were still friends after a couple of years as well, hell, then I would be holding that title I so longed for. 

Dear R,

I know I wrote a little too much. I exaggerated way too much and probably I should apologize for that. So sorry about all that I wrote. Since Su had come up with the question that I kind of explained in the previous, there is a very good chance that you might also have a couple of questions. I went a little too far when I was writing. And after a few minutes of talking about it, Su advised me to open up and be free with you all people. Though I told her I was an open book but she wasn't so convinced when I mentioned the same. I wrote the prevoious post to mention about people leaving the group for petty reasons and then I remembered that shirt thing. Seriously, it's totally okay. No worries there. I mentioned that too because I was kind of a little shocked. From the beginning of time since that group was created and we all started hanging out as a group, I was always on your side. So, when I got the first blow kick, I was a little shocked and then when my clothes were covered in chocolate, I was a little more shocked. I got carried away and wrote something I didn't mean to write. Then I realized among friends these things happen on a regular basis or else whats' the fun in that and there is nothing to make a big deal out of it, like I am doing now and like I did yesterday. I realize that whenever you might read this, you might be feeling bad for that, but its' okay and there is no problem at all. Believe me. I am just writing this to get this out of my mind. So, please don't mind.

_________________________

And there was one question I have been meaning to ask. But some other day, perhaps. I need some coffee now. 40 hours straight without sleep is kind of foggy. Though I don't usually sleep. These days I am just dozing off into sleep in the middle of the night. But last night I couldn't sleep at all. I have been thinking a lot of about this (post), about what to write and how to write and what not to write and whatnot. I know I am still dizzy and have no idea what I just wrote. I hope this doesn't spoil more than the mess I already created. Second cup of coffee right here. Finally.

P.S. : Phew! I wrote something with my sleepy eyes. And you should consider one thing, when I write I think the least about what others think or feel. Because it is just a ramification of my idle brain and its misadventures. So, please when I write something don't take it seriously and personally. I don't mean half of what I write unless it is about me. If I am writing about others, I write in different ways I don't even imagine I could write about. I know I can't sleep today as well. And yeah I am kind of starving but I can't eat anything properly. Damn! When will this pass ?