A No Title Post.

I walked up to the door, opened the door and smiled. I smiled as I always smiled. I was faking it. They never knew. No one ever knows, as a matter of fact. Well, the fact that this so-called fake smile of mine has become the real smile. Real smile? Wait, how does it even look like? 

I always adorn a face, a face  with a mask which just hides who I am. If you ask me to explain myself, I might fail. Because if I could, I would. I have been escaping, dodging and whatnot to keep myself up. Now the question - What am I hiding - escaping - dodging from ? 

I was shivering from inside, for the little mistake I did, for the white lie I told, for a thing I was supposed to do but didn't do. You got the picture, right? I was shivering as if I was at -100 degrees place. That would kill me, right? So was this. But I always have a way out. No, actually I don't. I try to make a way out and I fail at it terribly. But my mind is never at rest. It keeps analyzing ahem plotting escape or whatever it is called. I usually would be on a different planet while I keep the mind busy hmm, well plotting and the consequences of the perfectly scripted plot. By the end of the day I have create more plots than I could usually remember seeding all the possible consequences. While I am immersed in this conversation with hmph, well myself and scripting and re-scripting the scene of consequences, my mom asks about how the lunch she prepared was. It is then I realize that I was having a lunch. I smile and say its awesome. I am dragged back to reality and realize that the lunch was indeed awesome. Phew! Why was I not enjoying the moment. Well, its me. That thing can never happen. Moving on. After all this bombarding my already unsteady mind with more such thoughts, some of the plots just go as waste. I feel I just overdid or lets say over-think.

When I feel that I have successfully evaded one problem, another one pops out. Someone please give me a break! We usually call that someone Karma. Clearly, Karma or whatever it is called, it just f*cks me vertically, horizontally, elliptically, asymmetrically,  isometrically,! (Whoa! That's a lot of *-ally's ! ) It sure does know a way to creep its' way back just to surprise me, as if I am not surprised with the previous hmm..er. surprise. 

It's work overload. Though I was work-free till last week and moreover I liked the work before that week. Now the work sucks big time, like VERY BIG TIME. And there is this thing called higher-studies. For god's sake I am not at all an Multi-tasker and on top of it I am not even good at one task at a time. So, I have to manage two things. But lets' talk facts here for a second. I do neither. NONE. If that's the case, then I shouldn't be scrubbing my brain on things that I am clearly not doing well, I mean not doing at all. Yeah, that's what I thought. But it seems I have to manage the people who keep me on my feet with the questions - Did you do the work ? Did you study last night ? What are you doing now? Are you able to manage time? May be you should just leave the job? May be you should just take up a new job ? When will you get a project ? What have you decided with your life? What are you plans ? How are you planing ?  Why don't you apply for transfer? Are you happy with the job? Do you want to continue in this company or what? 

Dear God, WhyDontYouKillMeAlready? 

On a different note, I have opened this blogger more than I have checked the my Facebook for notifications. But, there were no notifications nor did I write anything. I felt like writing, but Every.Single.Time I just couldn't write. I am starting to forget that I used to write. It has already overtaken my mind like 80 percent of my mind. I started asking myself, I used to write? When was that? Yeah, you see I am losing - Losing my mind, I guess. Seriously, what's going on with me?