Art of Losing.

The last couple of months, I am kind of losing myself. Losing myself ? I wouldn't put it that way. Let's just say I am confused, for the time being. They say Technology is a curse. And I am just doing that, making it true in every sense. It is supposed to make life easier. Well, it is. A part of the like gets easier while the other part rots. But we are, okay, I am so immersed in the other part that I don't think about the other rotting part.

I have been off lately as you can see. I haven't been writing much these days. My idea of write almost everyday has gone down the drain. Not that I have succeeded in any of my ideas. But this was the least I could do. And now it looks like I can't even do this. Everyday, when I open my laptop, I first click on this blogger link and try to jot down the events of the day or at least everything I thought of writing for the past few weeks. It is nothing new that my writing has deteriorated, not that it was great earlier. Lets' just say I am in my worst writing phase. And to add to it, for the last week I was so adamant on writing that I have made it a point to write whatever may be the situation. Then there is my laptop. Thanks to it, for helping me beat the cr*p out of it. And still it doesn't work. The new disease that it has got is auto-restart, an addition to the earlier disease auto-shutdown. I usually thought it must be the over heating that is causing it to auto-shutdown. But for a couple of weeks now, it is auto restarting even before it even goes to the Log on screen. Thank you, dear laptop for encouraging and also persuading me to write even more. Even now I am writing as fast as I can before it restarts again. The last post encountered 6 restarts and 3 shutdowns. Well, that should make me enough frustrated already. 

Readers. There is nothing new about the receding count of the people that read my blog. And the previous posts were so nice that people have finally stopped visiting my blog altogether. But I was shocked and a bit amazed when an old friend of mine said he sometimes reads my blog when he is bored. Whoa, Wow! Though I can easily count the people reading this 'whatever it is called' on my finger tips. Anyways, thanks dude. And also thanks to the people who are visiting. I really appreciate it. It is you people who encourage me to write even more. So, thank you so very much. But what caught my eye was that I haven't been posting anything for the past few weeks, I mean months and the last time I checked, the stats said something else ( 200 + ) . Come on, what is happening ?Is that all spam ? #Damn

Twitter. Well, Twitter is not new for me. I started using it when I was in my first year. But most people whom I know, are not so much of a fan of Twitter. I used to tweet back in those days. And no I don't tweet these days. I just read other tweets and retweet them. That's pretty much I do almost every day, I mean the whole day. So, to keep myself updated with the tweets of a few known people and blogger friends (I can call them/you people friends, right?), I enabled the notifications. And what happens when you own a smartphone is that the updates come directly to your phone. Cool, innit? Yeah. What more is that there is a tweet notification in the notification bar, then a SMS to the phone about the tweet ofcourse and also an email notification. So, when a person tweets, I get almost three tweets. So, when I keep my phone in silent mode and look it after say like half an hour, I find a huge number in the notifications.

iPhone. Don't you find the people who own an iPhone just being too cocky about their new possession. The problem is that a guy in my room just bought an iPhone. Not actually bought it, more like brought it from abroad and that also the old piece which is iPhone 4. Owning an iPhone is not the problem, the attitude is the problem. Okay, you own an iPhone, but just don't brag and drag about it about. Come on, seriously. I too own a smart phone, the new one, as a matter of fact and just costs exactly the same as the new iPhone and my friends didn't even know about it for 2 weeks. 

Relationships. Okay, I am out of here. Come on, I shouldn't even be speaking about it. But the boredom at office is sort of compelling me to. One of the new guy into the office has a crush on a certain lady. Not, this lady isn't the first one, not the last one. He has his options ready and usually says to me you have keep fishing until you catch a fish. As being single those thoughts do creep into the mind. And then I strike those from my mind because I know myself and I ain't capable of that. Then you see people in groups of two almost every f#ing place. And then again, those thoughts again creep back in. But nothings gonna happen, because first of all I won't try and then again I am no good. So, people I mean girls, You got nothing to worry about! But if anyone's interested, you know where to find me. Did I say too much? #OkBye #Awkward

Pseudonym. I have been beating the crap of my brains inside out and outside in as well. The cloak of invisibility is difficult to adorn, mostly after all that I have done. It took me like 4 years for a decent number of people to read my blog. Thank you all. And again if I start all over again, first of all I won't be able to do that, and secondly my writing is just easy to find out. So, why do I want a pseudonym? I wish I could answer that. I feel its better to be the puppeteer than being the puppet. Because if I were former, I could change the puppets but since I am the later, I can't change the puppet. You get the point right? No? Okay Fine. Lets' not talk much about it. I myself am getting confused here. 

So, by now I might have successfully proven that I have lost my mind ! 

aRound Me.

"Oh boy, someone make that guy stop". This was my first reaction when I was literally dragged into a project and I was along with a known acquaintance. After a month of extreme torture or non-stop babbling, mindless queries I finally got free from his clutches. I thanked God. Then there was work, which kept me busy and away from his mindless inquisitions. Believe me you don't such kind of a person besides you. Inspite of eating the little brain that I have been saving from getting lost, he worries too much and then doesn't keep it with himself. The thing is that he says everything that's on his mind when he is supposed to say. But for him, it is not over yet. Later when we go for a break, he inquires about how he said. "How did I speak with him?" "I think I said it a little harshly." "I think I was demanding." "I think I was .... bla bla.." . I mentally block my ears and don't listen to his bullshit. 

I usually do things alone. Not that I don't like the company of a few good friends. I always encourage that. But it seems like the people whom I call friends are a bit different. It was actually good until my school, then I moved to a new place and people were strange and eventually I changed. 

Now let me give you a picture of the people whom I am around with. Lets go with office. The starting few lines are about a guy who got into the same line of work as mine the same time. As a matter of fact at the same time, actually. Now after a few months of working our asses off, the module that we were working on was stopped due to some technical reasons. Fine, whatever. But the last month of that module/or whatever that is called, in order to meet the deadlines, an extra bunch of people were called upon doubling the number of people who were already working on it, you know, to increase the productivity. Well, it took almost a month for them to understand what was actually going on and what they were supposed to do and we were supposed to teach them, which is usually called knowledge transformation. Cool, right? Yeah, I thought so too. A few days was fine. When I started explaining them the work, explaining the software and the tool. After a week, they started asking the doubts. Actually that was supposed to be good, I mean asking doubts is always healthy. But not repeated doubts, repeated questions. It was as if they didn't even listen the first time I was telling them. They used to bring a book, okay. more like a two pages of questions as if I was appearing for a final exam. The next, the same questions but the order is different. Then I started doubting myself that was I not explaining properly or what. That was out of picture because I was explaining everything from top to bottom that wasn't explained to me either. The same thing took less than a week for me to learn. So, when I could do that anybody can do that. That was that easy. The only thing I didn't do was over-think, like these dudes. Phew! That was one hell of a month. Then that module stopped. 

I thought it was over, finally. So, now I was actually without any work or with any project. Not that I was with a project earlier. I was just a helping hand in the corporate melodrama. I really don't understand why this company recruits tons of people each year as if they have abundant projects and requirements, but come on, look at us. It is over a year and we still don't have a project. And the recent news says that they will recruit 47k new people. Are you out of you f#ing mind? Come on, seriously look around your messy backyard before you think of expanding it.

I was actually without any work. But I was supposed to keep reading something or the other till I get dumped into a project. So, there I was silently minding my own business reading, hmph..erm.. I mean doing nothing on my system when that new gang arrives at my workplace (cubicle). The office is usually silent, as always. But these guys just disrupt the perfect balance of silence with their nonsense chatter. I tell them to keep their voice down. They do that for a second, then again its the same old story. After a few minutes which looks like a century, a century of literal-torture they leave me to get back to whatever I was doing earlier. After a few minutes they are there again, to make my miserable life eve more miserable. To avoid any awkwardness in the office floor and also not to disturb the people who are actually working in the floor, I drag them for a cup of coffee. Phew! Thats' a relief. Or so I thought. Now in this openness, the pitch is higher and the talk even more non-sense. The problem is that they don't usually think what others might think. Or is it just me? Or may be I am just the problem. The thing is that as we are without any work, these people give the impression that we are just passing time talking, drinking coffee and having a nice time at office and also disturbing other people who are actually doing their work. So, is that only me who think like that? It is fine for one day, two days, a week tops, but for the past one and a half month? Come on, give me a break. Only god can save me from this torture. 

Next comes my roommates, the vulgar batch. They don't give me a break. It is good that I am almost out of my room for the major part of day and evening. But the problem still persists. Thats' why I am usually seen with headphones plugged in. Everytime I go out with this batch, I regret it to the core. They talk rubbish, I mean real sh*t, all the vulgar sh*t, act like sh*t and behave the same. It surprises me that they are more intelligent than me and still they act like unmatured adults. For god's sake they are working. One of the guy is a nice guy who doesn't encourage them but as a part of the group he also gets involved. And again, this is the same guy who says we should enjoy and starts behaving like a college student. And then they talk. It is usually said that "A person is best judged by the friends he has". So,by that I could proudly say that I am __________________. (Okay, that's one for you, but I think I kinda know the answer).

I actually stopped writing this post in the middle, or to be precise even before I even started it. I didn't wanted to talk about other people. I wrote a few lines and then dropped it. The next day when I was in office, those people were literally asking for it, I mean they were in their usual self and that was compelling me more to write. But I didn't, and then again the next day, the same story continued. Now, they were asking for it each and every day. So, here it is. 

#Office #Friends #Rubbish #Ranting #Life #Random #Work

A No Title Post.

I walked up to the door, opened the door and smiled. I smiled as I always smiled. I was faking it. They never knew. No one ever knows, as a matter of fact. Well, the fact that this so-called fake smile of mine has become the real smile. Real smile? Wait, how does it even look like? 

I always adorn a face, a face  with a mask which just hides who I am. If you ask me to explain myself, I might fail. Because if I could, I would. I have been escaping, dodging and whatnot to keep myself up. Now the question - What am I hiding - escaping - dodging from ? 

I was shivering from inside, for the little mistake I did, for the white lie I told, for a thing I was supposed to do but didn't do. You got the picture, right? I was shivering as if I was at -100 degrees place. That would kill me, right? So was this. But I always have a way out. No, actually I don't. I try to make a way out and I fail at it terribly. But my mind is never at rest. It keeps analyzing ahem plotting escape or whatever it is called. I usually would be on a different planet while I keep the mind busy hmm, well plotting and the consequences of the perfectly scripted plot. By the end of the day I have create more plots than I could usually remember seeding all the possible consequences. While I am immersed in this conversation with hmph, well myself and scripting and re-scripting the scene of consequences, my mom asks about how the lunch she prepared was. It is then I realize that I was having a lunch. I smile and say its awesome. I am dragged back to reality and realize that the lunch was indeed awesome. Phew! Why was I not enjoying the moment. Well, its me. That thing can never happen. Moving on. After all this bombarding my already unsteady mind with more such thoughts, some of the plots just go as waste. I feel I just overdid or lets say over-think.

When I feel that I have successfully evaded one problem, another one pops out. Someone please give me a break! We usually call that someone Karma. Clearly, Karma or whatever it is called, it just f*cks me vertically, horizontally, elliptically, asymmetrically,  isometrically,! (Whoa! That's a lot of *-ally's ! ) It sure does know a way to creep its' way back just to surprise me, as if I am not surprised with the previous hmm..er. surprise. 

It's work overload. Though I was work-free till last week and moreover I liked the work before that week. Now the work sucks big time, like VERY BIG TIME. And there is this thing called higher-studies. For god's sake I am not at all an Multi-tasker and on top of it I am not even good at one task at a time. So, I have to manage two things. But lets' talk facts here for a second. I do neither. NONE. If that's the case, then I shouldn't be scrubbing my brain on things that I am clearly not doing well, I mean not doing at all. Yeah, that's what I thought. But it seems I have to manage the people who keep me on my feet with the questions - Did you do the work ? Did you study last night ? What are you doing now? Are you able to manage time? May be you should just leave the job? May be you should just take up a new job ? When will you get a project ? What have you decided with your life? What are you plans ? How are you planing ?  Why don't you apply for transfer? Are you happy with the job? Do you want to continue in this company or what? 

Dear God, WhyDontYouKillMeAlready? 

On a different note, I have opened this blogger more than I have checked the my Facebook for notifications. But, there were no notifications nor did I write anything. I felt like writing, but Every.Single.Time I just couldn't write. I am starting to forget that I used to write. It has already overtaken my mind like 80 percent of my mind. I started asking myself, I used to write? When was that? Yeah, you see I am losing - Losing my mind, I guess. Seriously, what's going on with me? 

Day 189.

I took a walk to clear my mind. But I am too lazy. Still, I took that walk. I really needed that clear mind. I wanted to think straight. I went for a coffee shop, drowned in a cup of coffee and a pastry. As the mind was slowly clearing from all the fuzziness. I started hearing voices. The people who were sitting on the next table. "What the fuck is wrong with people?" "Hey, that's fucking awesome". "Where the fuck did you get that from? That is so lovely!" "You must be fucking kidding me". "That's fucking great man! How much does your mom get per month". Thank you. Just Unbelievably THANK YOU, for letting me have a great coffee experience and yeah, also for clearing my conscious. Now, I could think more clear. 

I plug in my earphones and stroll down. The wind is cold. Ofcourse, that is the after-math of the rain. The has been dark-ish cloudy blue when I started out. Now it is almost dark. The music playing in my head is just too inconsistent, as I was just not getting the right song. Vexed, I kept it on shuffle and left it alone to alone. Fortunately, the song was pretty nice - slow and soothing sort of. I walked as I enjoyed the cold air sweeping across my face. And the mind finally eased itself. The song was over and then it turned to some rock-pop song. I felt like this : 

Oh Yeah! I was feeling like that but there were no pretty girls though. And also the song wasn't Bootylicious. But you can't blame a man for the imagination and the so called interpretation in their own way. Well, I was on my way back though a rarely used road, giving me more space to hmm..er..think. I finally reach my room, feeling a little better than the usual and step into my room to find the gruesome problem of the bachelor that is killing the people. 

Well, you know what it is. If you were thoughts were something related to Love, well...you are nearly there. There are some other things as well. To start with, the looks. There is a constant fight...hmm..er.. delusional talks between the fair and not-so-fair people in my room. The fairer side don't do much because well you know they are already fair. The other side of the line people are much more concerned about the complexion. I am usually out of those conversations because they are just so boring like the TV soap operas. The problem never ends and everyday the story begins at the same point, the same problem, the same people and obviously the same talk. So, where was I? Yeah, the complexion. Now, there is something more. The receding hair line. There are people who are so worried about the receding hair line that they are afraid that no one would ever want to marry them in the future. I laugh to that, like ROFL. What could be the better of it is that a guy went to the doctor spending like ten thousand bucks, and now get this, that was just for consultation. Hats Off. You will surely get Aishwarya Rai as your wife, oh wait she's taken. Well, whoever is available just because you have an awesome hair, developed by eating pills and gulping unknown liquids. Congratulations. 

And another thing which is bother the youth of this century is the #ForeverAlone tag inside their mind. Well, we all know that it isn't remotely possible. But the fear still persists. Everybody wants to be in a relationship. It is like a must-and-should thing. Or so it seems. Now that I am pretty much jobless with a job, I just roam around the coffee counter in the office and skimming through the pages on my computer. And there are people like me as well. I am not much into the relationship thingy, because for starters I know That's never gonna happen for me. Even if it were to happen, from my end though, I am one thousand percent sure that it won't happen from the other end. So, anyway, there is this guy who keeps trying into getting into one where ever possible. He has a crush on someone, of course he does. But he is kind of afraid to approach. Clearly, I don't know a thing about that approaching, or those cheesy lines *ahem* lies *coughs* . I clearly cannot do that, Seriously. But he asks me for advice. Dude, I don't know a thing. You are asking me as if I am an expert in giving advice about the so called love. So, on a casual conversation with a friend I asked her about the whole concept of getting into it. The reply was something like - First of all you should keep talking to people, talk a lot. Or You should be Super smart. Then Talk about the things what the girl wants to hear. And it just happens when you meet the right girl. Well, isn't it pretty clear from the first line itself? Talk, keep talking? Me? Talk ? Me? Yeah, I can't believe it myself. So, there is no discussion further, is there? Period. 

By the way, what I realized is that the people reading my blog have started Hash Tagging in their blogs or in the comments. I am starting a trend, it seems. :P #JustSaying #HashTagging And I just hash tag everywhere - Blogs, Comments, FB, Twitter, Chats, SMS, everywhere. 

#JustRolling  #KillingTime  #Rambling

Day 188.

Perception. Passion. Deception. Beauty. For every artist there is an inbuilt anatomy which enables them to visualize things in a different perspective which other people usually do hmm..er.. in a normal way. There is something hidden in almost everything. Most of the time we are so busy that we overlook things. But for some people, it is just common. They perceive things from a different perspective and that gives it a whole different meaning to the usually normal thing. But it is not necessary for other people to understand it, some people don't eve get it. Take me for example. When I see a painting, a painting of something related to nature. Well, there is so much that we don't usually see even though the painting is just plain simple. It needs getting into the artist's shoes and examine their perspective. Okay that was about something which was easy to perceive by just looking. Now there are so many things which look, well... abstract sort of, or just a black line on the white canvas, or sometimes even complicated. I would rotate that image 720 degrees flipping it inside out, zooming in-out, scanning every possible detail. But that is just out of my league. The point is it is not always easy to get into others' shoes and understand their perspective of whatever that is of concern.

I claim myself to be a writer. Okay, you can stop laughing. The truth may be true of false, I don't know. But I am trying to fit in the shoes though I know they are of the wrong size. Well, take this then. I claim myself to be a photographer, an amateur per say. Thank you, for not laughing this time. So, I can say that I have a knack for seeing things in a different perspective. So, being a writer and a photographer, I have two tracks running in my mind. One track which analyzes whatever I see and what it conveys. The other track describing it to myself. Oh, yeah - My mind does say - This is so going into my blog. But lets talk the facts and get some things straight here. I have been over thinking. And no, I am not a superhuman to do two things at a time, analyze and describe it. It is practically called - Over thinking. 

Moving on. I bought a new phone. The first phone I bought for myself. All the previous phones were like bought by someone else, for someone else, I used them before they could lay their hands on them. And by the way, Yeah I have always used the costliest phone in my family. So, while scouting for the new phone on all over the internet and  eavesdropping on other's phone where ever possible, I have so many choices and pointing on one particular phone was simply impossible. So, my dad suggested a phone. That was a nice phone. But there was slight problem - Since it is a new phone almost everyone I knew started flashing that phone before me. So, that got me into thinking - I am just following the trend, ain't I ? , if I am taking that phone. I researched some more and finally bought a phone which none of my friends or their friends(probably) would ever buy. No, it is not an iPhone. iPhone is just too common these days. And like I said, I am stepping out of the trend of synonymous. So now the problem is that I am glued to my phone like 25x8. Yes, you read it wrong, or you just have to imagine how much time I spend with it. Wait, that is not the problem. The problem is that I have stopped reading my novels, which have been yelling at me for like three weeks now. 

So, I haven't been writing for a couple of weeks as you could have observed. Well, what should I say, I have been too busy. The project that I was allegedly working on was stopped abruptly due to some reasons. And from then I have been pretty much jobless, but I have been attending office like the Sunday church. Oh wait, strike that, I am not even doing that, visiting church. It has been ages since I had last went to a Church. Oh, Damn boy, I gotto to get myself together, right here, right now. I have been telling myself that for the past few years now. Do you think there is any hope. 

Did I miss anything in this post? Oh Yeah, a lot. A lot about Life. You must have known by now that I am an renowned scholar on various topics, especially about Life. I just rock the boat, don't I ? Well anyway, seems like I have a lot to write about. One day at a time, One day at a time. This is day one, and I have no idea when will be the next day. Tomorrow, dude. As if I didn't know that. Thanks for clearing my conscious. Sorry, I don't think its still clear. I want to sing. I want to write. I want to dance. I want to love. I want to roam. I want to click. I want to read. I want to be at peace. I just want to die. Period. 

#Rambling #DontBlowYourMind