Something I will never Understand.

Day 168

Life is mundane. There are always two sides of a coin. We flip a coin and expect something to come up. Lets say, Heads. We say heads in our mind, telepathically telling the coin to turn up as Heads. Then we are disappointed. So, we flip the coin again. And again we are disappointed. To even the odds, the coin is flipped for the last time and as usual we are disappointed. The coin here is the culprit. It did not oblige to the telepathic messages that were send to it. 

You can call me a gambler. For starters, I have no idea how the game is played. But anyway I gamble. I might have lost a hundred games. I will come back again, trying my - what we usually call - luck. This time I feel, I am sure to win, and win BIG. I put all in. And every time it is the same thing that I fail to recognize even after a thousand plays - thousand plays of losing. Because they said, have hope, don't give up. It has never worked - whatever that hope is - whatever that not-giving up is. 

A very good friend of mine said, what can she tell about Life to a person who writes thought-provoking posts about the so called Life. I agree or disagree ? I don't know. But if she says so, she must be right. But inside my mind, I hear a mocking sound echoing - "Seriously, You?" Now there is dilemma. And I fall into a vast space of void where the path that I want to / should take is well... Void. I write about Life, sure. I write to understand it. It has never been my area, and never understood its way of working. I am always amazed, ...hmm..er.. amazed is too brilliant of a word... and then I would be lying if I said that.. I am always in awe, in hysteria, in confusion (sometimes) and scared (all the time).

There is a war in the mind, a never ending war. The desires (read:weapons) of a person snatched away and left alone to battle. It burns me from inside. But like they say, there is always good at the end of the road, or precisely there is light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, yeah, I agree none the less. There is light, sure, indeed. But I am on the other side of the tunnel where it is dark and well let me burst the bubble and just say, I am walking to the wrong end of the tunnel feeling that it is the right path. 

The war, that war, which never ends no matter what. I just hope for a day when the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener. I hear someone saying 'It already is'.. 'Why don't you see it?' I don't know, why I can't or is it I shouldn't? I don't know what is it. That smile that is on the face is a reflection of an agonized mind. That sort of agonized that never stops thinking, that never stops flipping the coin even when it knows the result won't be what is expected, that puts all the money in the game of cards which it sure knows that winning is out the picture. "Excuse me, why don't you get under the roof. You are soaking wet." I snap out to the voice of a stranger to find myself staring at the ground beneath me drenched in water as the heavy drops from the sky kept piling up, and as the rain lashed the very part of me. What was I thinking? I did not know. I never knew. May be I never will. 

Blind.

" A person is what they make of themselves. "

I know I have been a mistake. Period.

The sun hid beyond one's reach among the grey clouded sky. There is light, but the source invisible. Why do I feel the same? That my thoughts are clouded and the decisions that I make are not so correct. Well, I have never made a good judgement, ever. So, may be I am just like that - Bad Judgement. 

There has been never ending debate and a war-sort-of in my mind. I feel that my insides are burning, burning red hot and venting is out of picture. I tried to shout, write, scream, whatnot. I am just a sucker at that. Can't blame anyone except me. And I see people looking at me, trying to be something greater, where as I not not even willing to climb the ladder. Why, you ask? I ask myself the same question a hundred times over in a single day. 

It's easy, to blame, for every petty-little thing that happens which you haven't wished to have happened. And whom is at blame here? I should say myself? But that's a different story because nobody wants to believe that they themselves could have got it wrong. There is always one person who seems easy to blame, the dear God. In happiness, who is he? In sadness, he is the rescuer and an element of blame. Ah, I know I may be the only one blaming, but it is hard to accept that I am the person who is responsible for the actions that I do/did and will do. 

Now, I made a mistake. A big one , indeed. Something that is irreversible. And something if not have done would have blamed myself for eternity. Now I blame myself for doing it. So, what is it? I do - I blame myself. I don't - I would have blamed myself. This sounds like a very tricky situation. What should I do , then ? Its' like that the blaming never ends, and especially when its' me IT.NEVER.ENDS. 

But most importantly, I am scared. I really don't know. I have been scared before but not like this. I am in a dilemma and as they say at the crossroads, crossroads of life. I have made a decision a long back, but never got to implement it, because I never stopped blaming. Blaming who? Our friendly God. Because I tried and failed at it, repeatedly. 

I am fed up of all this blame-game that I started and that never ever ends. And I wanted to end this once and for all. Again I tried, I just couldn't. I hope I stop this nuisance that I started long back and just put an end to it. 

Because at the end of the it's always dark, no matter what. One has to find their own light and let it be a guide. But I just see darkness everywhere even when there is bright light. May be I am just blind, or just blind to hope. 

Dear God, 

Be the Light in darkness, 

And be the guide to the blind.

For I can see not a light, 

In the daylight of life.

Show me where the sun rises

Guide me in its path.

For I am lost, 

In the journey called Life.

I extend myself to you, 

Hope to reach your hand.

- One Lost Blind Guy

___________________________

Day 162.

1. I have been lately off. This includes I being too irregular at blogging and then again when I write something, I am not perfect. Ok, I agree that I wasn't perfect in any of my earlier posts. But you can't blame a man for trying . Okay. So, from posting a blog-post each day, I trickled down to posting, oh wait, I am not even posting. I really miss writing and whats' worse is I want to write but just unable to pen down. Well, that is the reason in the decreasing readers and the comment count. No wonder. But, a comment on my one of my post caught my eye. Yeah, all the comments on my blog catches my attention, so did this. But this was different and I am indeed obliged to post it here. You will also get the reason after you go through it. So, it was a comment by Kriti Bhatnagar on the previous post titled "The World Conspires Against Me". 

"
Oh no...the world doesn't conspires against you... :l

My friend...you got to change your point of view... B)

Why work hard when you can take it light... ;)

Pull back your chair...and your sense...a coffee might delight! :P

Why was it so bad with your day? :O

Which novel are you reading by the way? o.O

But I'm glad you let the hungry-for-ages guy ahead! :P

Don't worry bwwoy, things will be alright time to get back to your bed! :D

As per the God is concerned...just don't worry... :)

There's a hell lot of traffic...he usually remains in hurry! ;)

"

Now, that rhymed and was one of the best comment I ever received. I replied to this comment that this comment was so going into my blog, so here it is. 

2. People are different in their own way and that makes them unique. And when these many unique people exist in the space around us, there is always a chance to find some commonalities among people which leads them into becoming friends. Now, let me be clear, I am unique in my own way, ok, I agree in a weird way. Facts apart! I am not too good at making friends. Okay, I shall stop, I am not in a place to talk about something that I don't really know about. So, what I wanted to tell is about the conversations that we have with people. I am a little too movie-frenzy and also of tv-series. So, I have a habit of talking in the same way. I would use the words like "True Story", "Legendary" , likewise.  So, occasionally  I when I use these words, I get a reply asking for the reason or what it was. Like when I say "You are an intelligent guy and everybody knows it. #TrueStory" . Yeah, I hash tag also in chats. If you don't use those, then you should probably ping me or buzz me. So, when I mention like that, they ask what story! I feel like #FacePalm. And you can actually see me do that when I am asked like that. First thing is that most people don't watch tv series like I do and also they don't know these things. How can anyone miss any of those series? Now, they will tell they didn't watch the F.R.I.E.N.D.S series. No Offence. Anyways, there is still a possibility that people are just not interested in TV series. 

2.a. Okay, fine. Let's say a few people are just not interested in watching tv series. But then when a guy who is so excited to watch a Superman movie asks you what are Superman's powers, then I feel like someone should kill me right there. I mean come on, how can anyone miss Superman from childhood. If it were Shaktimaan, may be its fine because I could consider that they might not have had Doordharshan at their homes when they were kids. But Superman? ....Kal-El? Clark Kent ? Nothing rings a bell, huh ? 

3. It's almost 16 days in the month of June and I am still stuck at 3 posts so far. That's insane. No, it is not about the number. It is about what I am doing with the time that I have. What have I been busy with? I question myself to find myself pondering into space of void. Eventually, I snap out of it may be my when my laptop suddenly shuts itself down because it just got overheated ..well... without doing anything. I power it back on throwing some wind or should I say air, whatever! I blow at the fan trying to cool it off as if I am icing it with my breath. May be my breath itself fuels the heating process! We will never know, because we will talk about my breath any more. So, what have I been doing? Thats' a question I often forget answering. Ok, what was the question again?

4. The journey from office to my room is getting weirder by day. Usually, it consisted of a nice dinner at KFC or Pizza Hut or McDonald's after I got down from the bus and a small walk like the length of the river Nile to my room. So, what was it like before it started getting weirder? Well, after the nice little dinner... hmm.. I wouldn't call it little... rather a hefty dinner, I stride back to my room at my fastest pace with my hands tucked in my pockets. And this is the time when other people also return to their homes/rooms. So, I start capturing faces mentally in my mind as in like a cache to entertain me in the way along. It starts from the nice corner seat in the KFC. And by the way, for your information, here faces= girl's faces. I capture as many as I can. I know I know, I said stopped ogling these days, but you can't blame a man for trying. Okay, so after covering the length of river Nile and when I am just about to reach my room, I see a dude. On my way, I have seen may dudes. And I cancel all of them from getting into my mind. But this one is kind of odd and this dude deletes all the captured faces. The reason you ask? I take a turn and there are like four building before I could reach my room. So this Mr.Dude walks on the road in his boxers with nothing above the waist line. Now, does he have a Six Pack body? NO. But what he has is a tight boxers as if he is going for a dive or something and add to it the rain-forest on his chest. Beautiful sight, indeed. Now, that's how one ends a day. Why does he do that, to which I have no idea. If he is trying to woo someone, well.. he is doing a very good job at it. 

P.S. : Day 162 here means it is that day in this year. Well, I wrote this post then, but never got a chance to complete it. Anyways, now I did post. 

The World Conspires Against Me.

So one day last week, I was so pissed with the things that were happening to me that I literally cursed God. Yeah, Call me an idiot. Getting on with someone who is the ever-easy-to-blame person on the face of earth. Ok, the point is not who is the easiest one to blame. The point is I said, "Bring it on" to dear God. I was so angry that I had no choice but to respond in the similar fashion.

So, the next day I wake up late. Oh, yeah. It is ON. Anyway, I get ready in time and leave to go for office. I was stopped by the land lord asking for the monthly rent. I said I was getting late and that the money was in the room and also that I would give him once I come back from office at night. But he wasn't convinced with whatever I said. I went back to my room and almost threw the money on his face.

I reach office just in time. I usually don't have breakfast. But I always have a cup of coffee and lately I am giving it a pass as well. I really don't know the reason. Anyways, I sit at my cubicle. As usual I am assigned some work and I get right on it. I had assumed that the faster I complete, the more free time I would get. I was wrong about that, which I came to know after a few hours. Well, anyway I being the what do we call .. Whatever it is called..  I completed my assigned work in a stipulated time. I was literally free after  that. But I am not, in the sense of other people. It works something like this : If you complete your work, it is good. But then again, you can take up some of the others' work and help them complete. The Bullshit ! Why should I take up the work assigned to someone else? I complete work on time. There is a strategy for that - Calculated time. I have lunch in just about time and get back to my place and continue with my work - No other avocations. And now you know why I stopped having my coffee. But it struck me hard. The people other than me are actually enjoying their stay and working as cool , hmm, strike that as vaguely as possible. And why was I being the hard ass working guy when I am not even billable/or more like not into project. The irony lies in what we call the hierarchy. There are a bunch of people who work under a few people. These bunch of people are termed as freshers and are taught how to do a work. That's a good thing. But there lies the back drop. The people whose work is shared with these newbies is like their complete work and they enjoy giving orders and more work to meet their deadlines. The Shit. What's the "f#'ing" part is that the people who work rather than giving the work are under appreciated. Oh, yeah. They appreciate by saying - Good Job. You completed the work on time. Or Good, keep it up.  But the actual people who get the credit are them from the hierarchy up above them because the people on the top row don't even know that there are some new guys who are working and helping in reaching the deadlines. Well, that's a whole different thing. And that's how it always works. I am just getting accustomed to this madness. Oh, yeah, I am freaking angry. Not on the hierarchy or the work hmm…what is it called ? Hmmm.. Whatever ! What pissed me off is the work, that to be other's work, just because they were too busy taking breaks and chilling the time.

I am obliged to do other's work as well. And to escape that I grab a place in the canteen and dip into a cup of coffee. Not enough sugar. Damn! I was sure I added more than necessary. I don't understand why the sugar is not sweet enough, or is it my taste buds not working at all? Whatever! So, I spend a mighty time doing nothing. I completed drinking coffee in a minute, though my plan was to stretch that a bit longer for thirty minutes. And then I turn to my phone - Battery only one bar. I turn to my iPod. 10% remaining. Perfect. Just Freaking P.E.R.F.E.C.T. With no much choice left with me, I slide back into my chair in front of my system hoping to get some time to set up the new mail account that I had been trying to set up for the past week and may be read a few blogs, though most of the sites are blocked, so I read my own blog. Yeah, I read my own blog. Weird innit ? So, I was just about to open my blog when one of my supervisor drops by my side and says about swapping the places with someone who is in the other room due to a fracture because of which it would be easier for that person to interact with the colleagues more easily if she were to come to the room I am in. We usually call these rooms as ODC. So, I had no chance to say anything but to accept it. Now! The computer that I am using is an upgraded system. An upgrade from 1 Gigabyte Ram to 4Gigabyte Ram and what more? Windows 7! And what more ? Office 2013! And all this was going to some other person. I actually thought that this was a temporary transition, that the person has a fractured leg and I would get back to my place once the leg is back in perfect condition. But at the end of the day, I came to know that it was a permanent shift. Damn.

So, anyways, the day at office ended and I was back on the way to my room. I was reading the novel which is going at a very slow pace than I thought. Fortunately, there was a traffic jam. And because of which the usual 45 minute journey took nearly 1 hour 30 minutes. And by the time it came to my stop, I was damn hungry and the time was like 2245 hours. I quickly brisk-walk to KFC, only to find a little long line. Ok, I thought  I could wait for say 5 minutes and it would be my turn. Actually, the day was so sucking that I thought of skipping the late night dinner. But I had no idea what overtook my mind that I stood there in the line at KFC. One more person to go and then it was my turn. Then, the guy behind me says that he is getting late to catch the bus and asked if its' okay to jump ahead of the line. When I was entering KFC, I say them carrying heavy luggage inside. So, yeah, being the nice guy I let him jump ahead of line. And I was just figuring out the day about how lucky I was. Don't mistake the work lucky with something like good luck. Oh, that is a far distant thought and never near me, ever. Believe me on that. Oh! I was angry. Damn freaking angry. I was swearing almost the whole day and the day doesn't get any better. Now this guy who jumped in front of me was like he was buying the whole of KFC. It took like eternity to give the order and then another lifetime to get his order ready. I was having second thoughts of having dinner that day. I wanted to get back to mu roon without having dinner more than 20 times in a span of 30 minutes. Oh, Yeah! That was the time it took for him to get the guy-who-jumped-in-front-of-me's order.

And I am having a feeling, it is just the beginning. Because the next day was almost similar to that day.

P.S. Nothing more to say. I am just angry, I guess. 

Woo.

@Previous Post : Whoa! Whoa!! What the hell was that? I have had the idea of AK losing his mind, but didn't know it was at this extremes. I am still trying to understand when did I miss such a thing. I have to be more careful around AK now. Never know when he becomes all stupid and starts babbling about things unknown. And also what the consequences would be.

The warm sunshine fell upon the moist roads which reflected the gleaming sunshine back. It was then that the warm rays fell upon a perky thing. Elegance. As the bright sunshine bathed the reddish-black hair, it just added to the already elevated beauty. The wind played with the hair which made it much more adorable. What made it more perfect was her smile, which showed content and hope. 

It was late morning or say early afternoon. I was standing at the bus stop. And it isn't that sunny either. But people (read : girls/ladies) prefer to cover themselves like some Taliban, covering their face in its entirety. And add to it there are these sunglasses that covers almost everything. Well, what can I say, they are the perfect Taliban minus the guns. So, once in a while some of these people don't wear those trendy sunglasses. It was then I saw, those greenish-blue eyes. Well, first thing - It is just not common to find blue eyed people. I don't know what or anything about the eyes-telling-something. But this was different. Ok, I don't know how to tell, but my expression was like O.M.G plus Holy Mother of God. Those were perfect, just perfect, you know.

Ok, dude. We get the point. You have seen some extraordinary people in the recent past and are awed and equally amazed at them. Move on. 

Wooing Part I

Scene I

Wooing Part II

Scene II

So, then I realized there is no end to this madness. I could go on and on and describe every other person I come across. And there is no limit to the number of such people and also that This.Madness.Of.Mine.Never.Ends. 

Realization - The hard way.

So, I actually stopped even glancing because I know I would end up writing more nonsense than I can actually imagine. And it was then I started another madness of mine. This time its not people. Now, it was cars. Recently, a month back I was standing at the bus stop along with a friend of mine. I had always thought that the boys always loved their toys and when it comes to cars there is no backing off. So, in a normal conversation I asked him which was the car that was heading our way. I was actually surprised to seen him unable to answer. First of all that car is the most common and the most widely used car since long time. Ok, I thought may be it was an old car and may be that he is into new cars. So, I pointed in the direction of a new car which literally stopped in front of us. Now this one is also widely used. What made it funny was he jumbled all the company and the brand names and came up with a new car name altogether. I tested him with some more cars just for the fun of it because sometimes the names also had bike names and sometimes just random stuff. For a second, I felt like he was bluffing all this time, but he wasn't actually. 

Now, though since he moved to a different place he doesn't come to the bus stop, I still keep my brains busy with the awesome cars the pass by. And once in a while there goes a sports car. 

The Jaw falls again.

Yeah, my jaw drops, again. Not because it is a two-seater sports car. But that sports car is a convertible. And that too driven by a lady. *Tries to put my jaw back in place*. Well, its no big deal, right? Yeah, it isn't. But it is, when the car zooms past the heavy-crowded traffic with ease. 

P.S. : Sorry about the previous post. I wanted to write in that post only, but then I realized I was out of time and had to run for office, since the time was ticking away faster than expected and also I have been a little lazy lately and my mind is just not cooperating, about which I might write some time soon. Anyways, apologies and really thanks for dropping by.

Woo.

Wooing Part I 

Scene I

Wooing Part II

Scene II

Wooing Part III 

Scene III

To be continued...

Because I gotto ...

Defying Time

... because I gotto run for office.

P.S. : Yeah. You are thinking right! I too have no idea WHY I posted this one. *Thinking hard*. *Thinks even harder* Ok. Bye. Times Up. I really gotto run now.