Update.

Hello there.

I have been watching my blog for quite some time. I know that I have been totally irregular and posting not-so-good posts. But keeping aside all that, I have come to a conclusion that there is no one visiting my blog. I have waited too long, perhaps. So, I am going to rekindle and do some changes over here. Or probably delete my blog and start afresh or something like that. Any update on the change will be duly intimated over here on this blog, ofcourse. But I still can't believe that there is no one. I mean not even a single person. At least one. No. Okay, fine. I should have seen this coming.

- Ajay Kontham 

Ramification.

The vacant silence haunted the blistering rage which crushed the soul into pieces like shattered glass. The question of the perplexed relation between silence and darkness daunts the mind. The silence that beamed in the dark, echoed in the vast emptiness, yet, it wasn't an hollow vessel. May be it was the darkness. Darkness, exclamation mark. Doesn't it divulge into the so called emptiness while the mind wonders how did all of this place into perfect place, and how did all of this took perfect shape. The emptiness that filled the bright light. It wasn't the light filling the emptiness; imparting light and serving as the hope, as anticipated. But, devoid of light, the loss of hope. Hope, the binding element that keeps everything alive and in sync. Nature is mysterious. Life too. As a moment passes by in the dimness of the waking light with or without the aforementioned element of hope. Hope is everything. Without it, it is just emptiness. A big dark vacant space like the black hole. It depends on what we chose to believe in. And What do we chose to believe in? What is the power that has been bestowed upon the life species? 

The blinded manifestation of the thought that there is someone, something superior and powerful, someone magical and completely out of the world literally, making decisions for us is a big misconception. There is power in everything, everyone, in you. It just needs realization, like the tiny light in the darkness. The tiny ray of light that shines in the emptiness of the darkness. Hope. One unique distant dream. The conception that future is uncertain and that the choices and actions lay the foundations for the tomorrow, a better tomorrow, or even the best tomorrow. But isn't it all hope and nothing more or less. Hope? What is it? An uncertainty that something good might happen amid all the chaos that surrounds us. Good. Chaos. The former is left for fate and the later is our creation. Another anagram, another battle. Mind is the best battle ground, if you chose to believe it. You. We. I. It is us and just I everywhere and no where. 

But then again, just hope. Is it enough? Hoping for something good to turn up, despite the odds that take place or forced to have taken place. Forced to take place as in our own creation, our actions, and its consequences, precisely. It does require quite a lot of elements to ensure that the tiny hope that lingered in the mind is not just a distant dream, beyond the reach. Hard work, preservation, determination, integrity, commitment, bla bla and the list goes on. The point is that it is just not one thing that gives us what we require, but a combination of a few hundred other things. Though the outcome is uncertain, ofcourse, unless the question isn't about the perfect perfectionist. Perfection. Being perfect! Aren't we all perfect? Perfect, in our own way, in the little space that we surround ourselves with, by being ourself, following what we believe to be true. Even though the question of imperfectly perfect is a commendable one or even perfectly imperfect.

As the silence grew darker amid the glowing present of bewildered thoughts, the destination was certainly uncertain. But a binding feeling that one is not too far from destiny, or that is what one chose to believe, is indeed the driving force. Yet the uncertainty of the future still prevails and the amalgam of million things makes the future possible if one believes to make it happen. But that is for another day to ponder about. The night is still young and there is more one could than they could possible imagine.

Falling into place.

"The trick is to take the risk."

It is not always a trick to make the dominoes to fall into place. Yes, the key factor is dedication and not to mention the precision and or the hard work, if I could also put into this picture. There is no guarantee that the first construction would make the dominoes to fall into place. It takes several tries, and I guess we all can agree to that. But it was as easy as pie for Vivek when it came to placing the dominoes. And boy did they fall into place when he finally met the love of his life. There are complications, sure, but isn't that love all about. So how did all this happen? And who is this mystery lady?

It was long before the dominoes fell into place. The way that he used to talk with her was quite evident and among a group of seven, umm including me, it is not rocket science. When the conversations long laster or when they still continue at the odd hours of the night, which is the the usual time for people to sleep. But we were never sure that this guy would really take the risk of placing the dominoes and expect them to fall into place. Well, I was always kept out of their discussions as of what happened when our guy doesn't have lunch or seems too upset. I guess he already placed the dominoes and took the chance and by his behavior it didn't turn out to be good. His supervisor who is another creepy guy also seemed too conscious of his behavior and inquired about the reason for his dullness. We kind of know the reason, but didn't knew for sure. So, we didn't had the chance to console or give us our opinion. 

It was another dull afternoon in the office when I learned that Vivek had to rush home due to some family emergency. I wondered what it was because I had a cousin's marriage coming up and I was thinking of a good reason so that I could get leave from office. I could just tell that it was my cousin's marriage and be good with it, but I already had told the same the last two times, one for the engagement and the other for the other cousin's marriage. Anyway, I did cook up some good excuse just like this family emergency thing to attend the marriage. So anyway, he was on his way all of a sudden and our fair lady in the group summons me. And to state the obvious, I wasn't having any work at that time, I mean literally no work at all. But before I go there, there is something else that happened just two days before this. I went for a training to which Asha also came along. And while we were waiting for the session to begin, we were having a casual conversation, when a question pops up. The question being my opinion on the guy Vivek, and how he is, about his character, and whether I would consider him if I had a sister? Again, it is not rocket science to figure out what was happening. But to be fair, I knew about that already. So, as usual I had to play dumb as if I had no idea what was happening. I gave her my piece of mind about him. So, I was dead sure that what I had anticipated was true after all. 

So, she calls me to the canteen and tells me the story of the dominoes falling to place and that he,Vivek was on his way to convince his parents for marriage. Whoa, steady there brother! So fast? I was literally shocked at the speed this was going. And the she continued saying that she has to take this matter to her home that weekend. Wow. I was like really WOW! No words came out of me. I don't know whether they thought about the future or not, or even the present, or the consequences or anything. I don't know. All I know is that it was pretty fast and the dominoes falling into place, is that the right way? 

P.S. : I am hoping to do much better justice to his though my words. May be next time. I had to get the kick start in writing. Though, this didn't turned out the way I wanted it to turn out, but still. Anyway, I should have stayed as the voice that doesn't take form of a person. Well, I hope to do that from next post onwards. 

#ExtraordinarilyOrdinary

#Fictionalize

#OfficeDiaries 

Sanity..

Have you ever thought of inflicting pain on someone that you would probably enjoy doing that? No? Umm.. Okay.. neither did I. But I have a few near experiences with such cases. 

Once when I was writing my exam in my college sitting on the first bench, not my choice but my only choice since my roll number is one, and there comes this guy who is the invigilator for the day. He stands in front of me while I was calmly cooking up some story and watches the wall that is in front of me, like 4-5 feet away and he sees some writings on it, some kind of formula. He asks for my paper which I oblige since I wasn't into copying stuff. I was more like if I knew I will write, else I will cook up a new story but not the kind of person who would slip in papers and write on walls or desks. After skimming through the paper he says that the writing on the wall and in paper is almost the same, not almost, its exactly the same. I just got so pissed off by his remarks. Firstly who would write something on a wall that I can't even practically look clearly at. And secondly, his observation skill sucked big time. I almost shouted at him that that wasn't my handwriting and also that I had no intention of writing something like that. But he wasted a great deal of my time before handing my paper back saying that he is excusing me since nothing on the wall matches with what I wrote in the paper. Ofcourse, Genius. Because that wasn't mine in the first place. But after he handed me back my paper, I was still mad at him for pulling this on me and for blaming me for copying. If I did slip in a paper or likewise I wouldn't have been as much mad as I was then. So even after he handed me the paper, I was making some evil plans to make his life miserable and probably a living hell. Well, I do agree that its' pretty insane of me to think that, but I did.

Why am I talking about medieval / past things right now? Because I read on someone's blog about making the other's life miserable for some reason, which I don't seem to remember now. So, I was formulating my past and yeah, I did think the same too. Well, to share with there is this recent one incident.

One of my electronic gadget malfunctioned, I mean it stopped functioning only. So, I wanted to get it repaired. After a lot of procrastination, I finally took the initiative to head out and give the gadget for repair. So, the repair guy says that it will take him a day to look into it and to call him the other day regarding an update. So, I called him up at 2 the next day as he told me to call to which he replied that he will get back to me. But an hour passed and I was already on my way to the shop as I thought that it might have got repaired. If not, may be within a few more hours it will be and I could stay there for that. So, I reach the shop by around half past three and I just stopped the song and unplugged my earphones and folded them into my pocket and enter the shop. He comes out from the small room adjacent to the shop with a phone in his hand. He shows it to me as if it asking me whether it was my mobile or not. And no, I didn't give my mobile for servicing. I was a little bit confused and look at the number he was pointing to on the phone. It was my number. He was just calling me. I didn't even hear the ringtone because he had just called me. So, what he does is to check my phone which I do and then there is the ringtone and the vibration. He then goes all hyper on me saying that he had called me twice already and that I haven't picked it up. He asked me to check my history. First of all, I wasn't an idiot. I saw him see me, pick up his phone and dail a number as he came from his little room. But what pissed me off was that he was going all hyper on me. I was like What the hell is this dude's problem? I was defending myself that he didn't call me before and that I called him an hour or so ago and I didn't get a reply from him. But he was still going hostile with raised voice. He called me once, just once and that too after seeing me. And he was blaming me. To add to it he was pulling out some other shit about his work hours or whatever which I don't care. Why should I care? Why should I listen to him telling me about some other guy who earns 3 lakhs waiting since morning? Or about his daughter? Or his freaking punctuality. I called him on time, I even came down after an hour or so hoping to get my thing back and I was greeted with this. He was being a dick literally. So, I had to give back to him. But he never let me finish anything. He just kept at being rude and I too wanted to. If I was prepared to something like that, I would have. But I had no formal experience with jerks before and more over he had my thing and I already paid for the servicing. And the worst part was him telling me that I was speaking as if I was giving him salary. Well, for his kind information, in a way I was by paying for the services he had to offer. And this service that he was offering wasn't the one I paid for. I had every right to be rude and he was even saying that Customer is God but was treating me like some shit. And I got to know where his God's real place is according to him. Plus, I had nothing as a leverage against him. That was his plus point and my biggest disadvantage. If I hadn't paid atleast, I would have more ground to argue on. I wanted to give him all from my side, but I had to carefully choose my word, so it seemed like his victory for him being an asshole plus a dick, while I was told to come the other day to collect it. Believe me, he had/has the worst terrible days in my mind still to the day. But the reality has something else to say. Damn you reality, you suck terribly. 

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have a lot many such things wrapped and safely boxed up for never to visit again. But these so called boxes are just piling an piling. People, mostly I like them, but then these people happen.

Fear.

Johny Johny, the name echoed in the house. The voice so familiar, so drunk that Johny still a kid hid in the closet. The closet he was so afraid of since childhood, for that closet had a monster and he was not afraid or anything but this until recently. But still he chose the closet to the dark hoarse voice that called his name. 

Johny Johny, the name echoed in the house. As he stood there in the closet, he realized that he wasn't afraid of the monster anymore. He overcame on fear with another fear. He looked up at himself gaining grip as his legs stopped shaking beneath the sweat on his face. It was just him and his demons, the demon being fear. 

Johny Johny, the name that echoed in the house was louder and stood outside the closet.  A man with a sturdy attire with a bottle in one hand and a belt in the other stood in the dimming dusk. The door opened and there stood Johny. The greatest victory would be to defeat himself and that he did by overcoming his second fear, by standing up for himself. His eyes so fierce and his clutches so strong for a kid that the voice trembled beneath its' breath, for Johny was a kid no more. 

Johny Johny, the voice echoed in he house, the voice which was the reason for him to overcome his fears, a voice that he always loved, a voice he always wanted to protect while the drunken voice that he stopped fearing was heard no more. Never. Ever.

___________________________

P.S. What is this?, you ask. I wish I knew. I just had this closet thing in my mind for some time now and there is more to it. I believe that this is the beginning. I know that I am little rusty, ha ha funny, don't say or think otherwise, since I haven't been blogging lately and that I was involved with were , as you know are umm, note worthy. Well, thanks for dropping by and I guess I have to improve on this a lot.

The Mid-Night Caller.

Disclaimer : It's a long post ahead. One night I received a phone call from a stranger and wanted my advice. You might find some swearing. So, tread with caution and I totally understand if you don't wish to continue. 

12 : 08 AM - A phone call 

The clock struck twelve. I don't usually care about the time or the hour of the night. But then my phone rang. It was freaking mid-night and the question of who might be calling me at this hour was one question that was on my head. Earlier in the day, I got a call from some guy who is a student in some college in some part of the country and wanted me to donate  money to help save a child's life. I would really help, but is this a way to get some help? Calling someone out of the blue and asking for money to help. This doesn't even sound legit, does it? People usually don't donate even after knowing that it is a legit because of some or the other reasons. And this guy just calls and expects me to donate money. But first of all, how the hell did he even get my number?  This was too good to be true. Eventually I told him to call me after some time but my intention was to just get rid of this guy. So, when the phone rang at 10 minutes past 12, I was so sure to give him a good piece of me. But it wasn't him. It was another unknown number, but then again there was this caller id (courtesy of Truecaller app) which displayed a name.

Who was it?

The person on the other end of the line introduced himself and I knew that fellow, but the name on the caller id showed a different name. Anyway, that person has never ever talked to me before, like never ever. He was just some other guy whom I met over the internet and to filter-down, through blogger. Upon commenting and all, we had a little chat in which he felt that we were totally in sync with regards to the sarcastic comments and not to mention, even the vulgarity of the jokes. It is more like I understood what he wanted to convey which was either too out-of-line, or perverted or not appropriate to others or me too, but there is nothing wrong in understanding things. Of course they were inappropriate in all ways possible which I understood some of the times, while others discarded it on the grounds of way-too-inappropriate. But then again, when I understood, it didn't give him the right to say whatever he wanted to say. I don't exactly what happened but what he said was way too inappropriate and that it involved people I knew. We all have boundaries and a line which never should be crossed, which he did. It might have been a joke, a very bad joke perhaps, but everything is not for making fun of. And we should know when and where to draw the line. It was that moment, I realized that I have been tagging along with most of his bullshit which included some of the people I know. I always took that he was joking and I let it go. But it is not okay to make fun each every time one gets a chance. May be he is just like that - making fun and inappropriate comments on people. It is high time either he changed himself or I did. I took the step of un-tagging myself from his so called friend. But it was so long that I  even forgot what had happened and while he was talking about it, I just couldn't recollect what happened 4 months ago. 

01: 00 AM - What was it about? 

He started by apologizing for parting ways on some uncertain circumstances and mentioning that I was the one friend, or more of a stranger who understood what he told. He said that he felt bad for parting ways. I was like Okay, Its' okay. We are cool, you don't have to apologize for whatever happened in the past since I don't even remember what had happened. But I was really okay. I didn't had any hard feelings. And more over I wanted to know where this was going. No body calls you up at the middle of the night with out a reason. I had a feeling that I knew where this was going. There could be nothing much between two strangers unless there is something or someone common between them. This was about a girl of course, and I knew about whom. And since he called me up in the middle of the night, something has happened. And this girl we were talking about, yeah I guess I have to talk about her as well.

She is another blogger whom I came across just like this midnight-caller dude. See, the point is I am good at making virtual friends, right? And this midnight caller dude happened to believe that I know her better. I was like What? How could I? Yeah, I agree that we had a few casual conversations, but that didn't mean that I know her completely for good. How can anyone ever know anyone by the conversations that they have? So anyway, What was it about? It was about Trust. This midnight-caller had some serious trust issues. Please don't get me started. After conversing I felt like "Dude , you should give your mind a rest and not over think much". 

02 : 00 AM - ....still no solid ground.... 

Trust. Trusting is a complicated process. It takes time. It depends on the person and how comfortable they make us with the things that are shared mutually. It is a hard step in any kind of relationship, either friendship or love or marriage or anything as a matter of fact. So our midnight caller was battling with the same issue as anybody else. He is having a hard time believing and needed a second opinion, if we consider his opinion as his first. As far as  I know he had no opinion. So, that makes my opinion the first, I guess. Now, the question that we have in front of us is why me? I am a total stranger and we didn't part in any good terms either. So, why out of the blue me? Right? Well, that was my question as well. His idea was that I knew the person-in-question before hand and wanted my opinion on her. First of all, I knew nothing about her and secondly him asking about her was totally weird. But still, I wanted to help this dude in any way possible even though I knew the least about this fellow literally. Though there was some hardship a couple of months ago but I don't take everything to heart. I have this feeling that people change over a period of time, if not totally at least some part. And mind you, I mean the good part.

Now, this guy wanted my help but was too hesitant to ask or share his side of the story. Because it was kind of personal. I did tell him to make up his mind and then contact me if he needed my help or anything. He was telling but just finishing before he started telling and in the end I just get one word and it means nothing to me. Because in order for me to help him, I need to understand the situation that he is dealing with so that I might give my version of the solution or something like that. I even told him to leave it if it was too personal and can't be shared with me. It was his choice. And I realized that it was way too personal when it turned out to be something related to intimacy. He asked me not to tell anyone whatever he was going to share. He made me promise. I am totally cool with promises. But he wanted me to promise on God - God Promise. Well okay, it wasn't a big deal since I am not a person who breaks promises so when he told to swear on god, I did confront him by saying that I promise but this was a little too much, but fine God Promise. He got into the details of what happened and how all this has made him suspicious and started questing his morale. I had no idea what to respond to his side of the story. It was too personal to share with anyone, even with a best friend and he was doing that with me, a complete stranger who once hated him for the person he was and turning to be. And his trust issues started because it was happening too fast for him and he was having a feeling that it was too good to be true. But since everything happened in a matter of few days, it made him suspicious. So, the reason for him calling was to ask whether he can trust her or not, whether she was telling the truth or not and whether he should continue the relationship with her. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL? I don't know the as much as he thinks I know about her. And per the question of trusting, again she wasn't someone who I was with for god's sake. I barely know her, literally. And lastly MY advice on RELATIONSHIPS? Yeah, right!! I  did a doctorate in it and hold god knows how many certificates. Seriously! I am the last person one should be asking for relationship advice. I have no knowledge in it whatsoever and believe me I kind of hate them. Yeah, I agree that I am weird and insane. Deal with it. 

But whatever my status on this topic of discussion, I kind of do some kind of research based on the people who are around me and taking bits and pieces from here and there, I guess I have a some-kind-of-a-picture on relationships. And hell, I am a god damn freaking philosopher who pretend to know the whole world. So, I was talking to this stranger and giving my piece of mind on whatever I felt was right. I know whatever I know or told was of not use, but i was hoping that it might be helpful for him in someway and he may come to his senses at some point and realize that he knows better than me. Yeah after  2 hours of talking he came to know I wasn't in any kind of relationship and I had no idea what it means to be in it. What he had anticipated that since I was 3 years older to him, I might know things, especially about these relationships and yeah, the shocking thing was he asking me about the female anatomy. Believe me, he thought I had this knowledge about it and it was the reason for this call at that hour of the night and him having trust issues. It was crazily f**ked up, believe me. I am a few years older to him which doesn't mean that I know every god damn thing and it sure as hell doesn't mean that I have done things which he is currently involved in doing. I still have my morale intact and god help me, I hope it stays that way. He was doing things beyond his age, or probably it is just common these days and asking me about these things questioning my morality. Thank you for not believing that there are still people who don't just do things when it comes their way.

Even without any knowledge or experience on the things he was involved with, I tried to help him out in any way, may be because I felt that this guy just needed a path and wanted an ear to which he could tell everything and probably feel relieved. I had no problem being the ear and no problem trying to give advices even when I had no idea what it was all about. Three hours had passed and no mater how much I told him, no matter what advice I gave him, he just wasn't convinced I guess. If he was, he would have ended the conversation in the first hour itself. 

03 : 00 AM - Who I was to him ? 

"I should definitely meet you", he said. After nearly 3 hours of talking literally nothing useful and not arriving on any solid ground, he changed the topic towards me. He wanted to know me and wanted to catch up on the 3-4 months of absence that we had. I asked him why he wanted to meet me after assuring him that I am not the kind of person who people meet and feel happy after meeting and that I am a totally different person in real life and nothing like he feels about me over the Internet or even a phone call. I guess, I am just too good at convincing people that I am the nicest person when they can't see me. But they have no idea that I am the least talkative person ever present on the face of the earth. If you don't believe me, ask my friends, family, relatives or anyone you can get hold of and who know me in a way or the other. Some of the things he feel are good about me are that I am a patient person who listens to everything and that I am an intuitive person who has knowledge on certain things or most things. But that wasn't all.

What he felt about me?  According to him and based upon the pictures on the social media this was his version of me. I am short and I have a dark complexion. My social quotient was nil. I had never been in any relationship. I didn't do any of the things that I should have already done. I don't earn much. I am pathetic. That was a bummer when he said that I had the most pathetic life ever. Though, he told me not to feel bad before giving his piece of mind about me, but I believe there is a limit. Still I didn't bother much about it. And as per the issue of money, he went ahead by telling that it was the pitiable sum of money and it wasn't worth living/working for. He didn't stop there as he was supposed to stop. He took the initiative to give me advice on how to live my life. He was telling me How to live MY freaking life!  I let it go, as he was in the moment and that everyone these are giving advices to others on how to live a life and all. He was just one among them. But he went on quoting his cousin mentioning his f**king salary and that after he completes his college he would be earning double of what I am earning and yeah, he will be earning more than me even before completing his college which he would be getting as stipend. Well good for him. I appreciate his life. But did he stop? No, he had to tell about everything, how my personal life should be, what I should be doing and should not be doing. He was a freaking nobody to me.

03 : 30 AM - Crossing the line. 

After his version of me, I was still okay with it as I am not a person who take other's opinion about me seriously. I have a pretty good picture about my life and some other's advice or opinion is not of my concern. I know what kind of a person I was and what I need to do. Its' not like I can't do. I can. I can kill and bury my morale and do things, but then what would be the difference between the shitty people all around and me? So, to get off that topic, I asked him the most basic question as of why he trusted me. I was a total stranger and I was also that someone who hated him once for saying something out of the context. So, how could he trust me. He was kind of terrified when I asked him this question. He was saying that I had made him a promise not to share what he told with anyone. I assured him that he could trust me and that I wouldn't tell a word to anyone or to the person-in-question. What I wanted to tell that he shouldn't tell all personal things to someone he barely knew and keep aside the personal things, at least keep the intimate things under wraps. But he was so terrified that I might tell this to someone, he started questioning my trust. I was kidding with him that I will write everything in a mail and send it to her. He was so terrified that I assured him that I was totally kidding and I don't break promises. But then again, he was terrified, terrified like bloody f**k. He then said something, which then wasted the four hour conversation and the new friendship that he was slowly building up. He told to swear on my Mom. He fucking said that. He was having trust issues which I can understand. But after 3 hours of talking about it, I felt he had not learnt anything. He was still having a hard time believing people and trusting them. I made a fucking promise to him. I don't make promises at all. But I did, and I swore on God. He still didn't trust me with that. I told him that he was reaching out and that it was not a good thing. I told him straight forward on his face that he was having some serious trust issues and that I can't promise him with anything, because believing takes two steps. I took the first step to not the share it with anyone and when it came on him regarding taking a step in trusting me, he didn't take that. So, I told him I don't make promises to people who are not sure of themselves. I disconnected the call saying that he needed to stand on a solid ground before asking someone for help and regarding his trust issues, F**k 'em. I don't have a problem. I even told him that he should know where to make a line, what a line is, and when not to step over it. He stepped over it, stabbed the shit out it. This the kind of person I don't hang out with. And it was the same reason why we stopped being friends 4 months ago. He has no fucking idea what to tell and when to tell. If he thinks, its the joke every time, may be he should think twice before saying his fucked up jokes because they aren't jokes and he was kidding no one here. All are grown up people here and it is high time that he realized that he knows his place before he starts his bullshit. 

_____________________________________

I apologize for writing such a lengthy post and not getting to any conclusion. I guess there was no conclusion to be made in this. It was something that happened with me a couple of days ago. It was one of a kind. I guess you will agree with me, I mean if you were with me all the way along this whole post. And my belief that people change has been broken so bad that I can't imagine. I always think twice or thrice before saying anything. And in the process of thinking, I don't even say what I wanted to say. Because I always think what they (others) would think for what I say. It might be nothing, but still I feel that thinking twice before saying anything hasn't harmed anyone. Believe me, I have drafted this post a couple of times, then I deleted everything and then wrote. I confess that I didn't think twice before writing this, because I am not able to pen anything that I wanted to pen down. I am thinking too much about what other's think. But I suppose I was in my limits. No? I apologize for that. I am not going to read this post again. It was hard to experience it once, and relive it twice is painful. And also regarding my promise, I believe I haven't shared what he didn't wanted me to share. Though, there are bits a pieces which might indicate what he meant to keep hidden, but who gives a fuck about him and my promise to him after how he ended things or rather I ended with him. Dude, f**king get over yourself.

The worst f**ked up thing about all this issue was that he told everything what he told me not to tell her (the person about whom he was having trust issues with). Every single f**king thing minus some things. This guy is I-told-have-a-word-for-him.

P.S. : Are you thinking what else I have left to tell that I am writing this P.S. I frankly don't know. I just felt the need, but it beats me what I wanted to write.

What have I been upto ? (Cont...)

I was standing at the coffee counter in office. And this colleague of mine who is kind of an incharge of whatever I am into pats me on my back and says "What are you doing here?" I pointed out to the coffee shop and signaled him coffee with a grin face. But he asked me again saying, "I was asking what you were doing here?". You must have seen that advertisement in which a guy who is in a movie theater asks his friend what he was doing there and everybody starts clapping at his pure ingeniousness. I did the same thing in my mental thoughts.

The other day, as usual I was wasting time again. And then I realized that it was already morning when I got a call from the cab driver for the pick up. I was like "Wth, I haven't even slept yet and this guy is calling for the pick up place". Again, as usual, I didn't pick up the call. Not because I did not sleep. But because he was calling nearly one and a half hour late. And also in another half an hour the normal shuttle service would be started. And I had no big deal of a work at office either. So, I was awake for nearly 24 hours. This was not the first time I was awake for such a long time. I have been upto 3 days (plus or minus). I felt like its' not big of a deal. It wasn't, until when I realized that I wasn't able to walk properly. I managed myself upto the bus stop, but again I wasn't able to stand properly. Because this sleep was kicking in so badly that it was totally not under my control. But I still managed to stand and get into the bus somehow. I was like swinging like a drunk man. 

I have spent so much on food and coffee that I felt like I was giving salary to them, but in installments. I didn't think much about it until one of my friend asked me. What do I eat for dinner? The locality where I stay has access to a few fast food joints, like the KFC, Subway, Pizza, Coffee Shop plus a few restaurants. No, they are not beside my place, but I can manage a little walk. So, I told the same thing to my friend when he asked me for the weekly dinner plan. I am junk addict, am I not? Its' not like I am a junk addict. The food at my place is not good at all. One time, I felt like I was wasting too much money on food and that too not so healthy food. So, I thought I will just eat here where I stay and I would be able to save a few bucks. But the one time I ate, I made a vow kind of thing like never to eat here again. Even if its' unhealthy or costly, I am just going to eat out.

Sometimes, I feel like I am drifting away. Like into some place unknown and foggy and blank and I-really-don't-know. Exactly, it sounds crazy right? I know. I have felt the same. So, this guy was speaking to me and I was listening to him. After a period of 10 minutes, I realized that I was here, but my mind was somewhere else. And I would have been happy if I had known what I was thinking. It is totally normal, unless the other guy asks a question and I am still like he is saying something and I nod agreeing to whatever he was saying with a "Yeah". Believe me, it is totally awkward. If that awkwardness isn't enough, I have some more tricks in my sleeve. Someone asks me my opinion or something and I start telling my opinion or explaining. In the middle I realize that I am thinking about something else like what I am doing now. And then I have no idea what I say, but believe me it doesn't make sense, in no way possible.

People are always trying to tell something that they know or don't know. And when it comes to future, they can't be stopped. Oh no, not about theirs, but others. Almost every other person is interested in sharing their piece of mind on how to live my life, what I have to do, what I have to change, what could be done! Dude, just shut the fish up. I know everything and as a matte of fact, I know a little more also. So, I don't think your intuition or whatever is of no one's concern. The only problem with people telling me do something is that they haven't done any of it. Before you tell others, at least do that from your side and then you can talk shit.

What have I been upto?

• I have started writing when I was in college. My inspiration has been my cousin brother. But when I was into the business of writing, I mean blogging, I was concerned about what people would be reading. People are judgmental and I have known it as for a fact. So, I have kept that part alive in my mind whenever I used to write. "What will people think?" "Log kya sochenge". This thought has always haunted me for as long as I can remember. But I have developed this stubbornness in me which enables me to care less about what others have to say about it. And this is one of the reason for planning to shift to an anonymous name. Because there is too much heat and we can't put everything in paper and be okay with it. Because there are people who read me. That's not the problem. The problem is people know me. Well that happened because I have been blogging and I have developed this bond of bloggers and I think I could call it friendship of sorts. Please correct me if I am wrong. And I am really surprised that they know me better than the people with whom I usually hang out with. So, anyway the point is that there are these people who care in a way. And there are few people from my family who know about my blog. Yeah, I know bummer. It's really odd when they point out to what I write on my blog and say that I am good at English. Wait, everybody does that, from cousins to friends. And whenever a new English word comes across they look at me for a meaning. I am like "no no don't look at me. *opens phone and appears busy* and probably don't look at their side". But nothing of that works at all. And they say the inevitable "Hey, AJ is the only one good at English here among us. He writes blogs in which I can't understand a thing. So AJ, what does *some-foreign-word* mean?" I am still asked the meaning and I appear as dumb as anybody or even worse. I write. I write plain English. This is not even Shakespeare with thy's and thou's. I was reading Bible the other day on my mobile from a Bible app, yeah after a long time, the writing is written in almost the same way. How are we supposed to understand that? Why can't people write in more simple language LIKE ME!!! 

• I have been absent from blogging/writing from a long long time. I wrote a couple of posts in the last month. Well, a couple only to be exact. And need I mention that I was belittling myself of whatever. What I mean to say is that I have not written a sensible post in a long time. Sensible!? Wow. When did I ever write one? Right? You thought the same, didn't you? *High Five*. I guess I still can't write unless I let it all out. Now, don't ask me what it is. Because I have been trying to let it out, at least write it out in some way or the other. But I have been failing at it every single time. I think I am frustrated. I think I have been holding back for a little too long. And it is not coming out. I tried very hard to let it out. But it isn't just happening. It is hard. No. It is becoming hard for a day to end. And the worst thing about it, it is a daily thing. And even worse is that I am unable to pen it out, and let the universe take its own course. But whenever I sit with a laptop in front of me and then my mind goes whoosh, total void, like an empty black hole. I try to snap out of it, but it never worked that way. Then I let go of it and plan to write some other time, may be after a long walk. I walk in the starry-cloudy night and feel inspired enough to write because the whole walk I had been rehearsing what needs to be let out and I usually speak it out. And this time, I sit with a pen and paper. The inevitable happens again. That emptiness is back. 

• You know anything about karma? Or god? Or anything supernatural? Or when they say that when we do good, something good happens to us. Yeah, I believe that last one. Karma is not my forte. And God? Believe me, he is the reason for teaching me all teh curse words. I have always been disgusted by all the curse words. I have known a few, courtesy of the friends and people around me. But I have never let any of it out. That was one of my New Year Resolutions, every fking year.(Yeah, you read it right!) And believe me, I wouldn't have if it were my choice. Because no one told me that "When we don't do anything something does happen to us, and that something is not pretty. No. It's nowhere near good." I had this doubt what would happen if we indeed did something bad. Then something bad would happen but at least we have a reason when something bad happens to us. But when we do nothing good nor bad and still something bad happens to us. It's fucking crazy. Its' not karma or any of that bullshit, but a reason would be good for starters. And there, I start cursing. All that I have known just comes out like anything. But I still bad for saying it out loud. Mostly because I have no idea whom I am cursing or what. I should stop now else you would totally stop coming here for good.

• People have been mysterious to me. I have traveled and seen so many people that I felt that I have understood people. But there are always some or the other new person who give me a whole new meaning and discards what I had known. And again I tell you People are mysterious. We can never really understand people. There is this thing going between a calm group of colleagues-cum-friends that I am still unable to decipher. Some words were exchanged, some misunderstanding, some ego problems and that's it, everything is broken. I am just too fucking tired to mend the broken things here. Because it is always some or the other person with a ego problem or say something absurd or don't think twice before saying something. Just fucking think twice already, for once. Oh wait, I am still swearing. I think its better to stop here.

• I think I am losing my English. Sometimes, I have no idea what I am saying or writing. People around me have been manipulating my English in way or the other. I have seen so many Facebook and Twitter posts about the wrong use of "You and You're", that I am doubting everytime I have to use an apostrophe('). I have completely forgotten its use and where to use it. I double check whenever I use it. And it feels so WRONG that I change the word itself with no apostrophe. This is so insane. So.. Fu.. insane. 

• Money has always been on people's mind. Don't you say money doesn't make anyone happy. I bet I will beat the shit out you. If you don't feel the same, give it to me. So  anyway, your opinion is of no one's concern here. I don't have much money. I mean no money. Whatever little I make is not even sufficient for me for a month. But then again, I don't hold back when it comes to spending money. I spend and spend and spend. I have this feeling that I have to enjoy now. Not exactly enjoy, but whenever I can I don't want to hold back something just because it costs a few more bucks. So, I am like that homeless guy at the corner of the street on the fortnight of the month. But still, I don't hold back. I again believe that the present is more important and tomorrow is uncertain and the future should not hold me back for the present. Wait, What the hell am I even writing? There is this stupid song playing at this coffee shop and I am just following the beat and writing whatever comes to my mind. 

Signing off. 

Phew, finally relieved right?

You are welcome.