The dilemma of the depth of the question killed him. He had known what he had wanted all along and what he wished for most people weren't a big fan of. Most, in this pretext meant nearly 99% of the people. What was this that made this wish so profound? Why was he in such a dilemma! The questions haunted his own alter ego.
But amid all, what did he want? To be free. To be able to breathe freely without a conscious haunting in every step of the way. To be able to do whatever he wanted to do. To fly among the soft clouds that floated in the sky of a summer evening. He was second in a family of three children. But he has always been the eldest. How? A tragedy! A tragedy in which his brother left this so called beautiful world after enjoying the life in this world for a couple of days. Just a couple of days. How more terrible can God be? If he was born before his brother, he would have been devastated. But he was lucky? He was fortunate enough to escape that hardship.
All this while as he grew up, he was totally unaware of a heavenly soul and was the eldest in the family. He never had a thought, never had a mention, never knew that he was second. He never had to think deep even after he came to know, he wasn't at a liberty to feel remorse. But every one in a while he would imagine what if that kid was still around, what the world around him would be like. Above all, all he thought was that it would have been pleasant.
Why? Why he wanted his brother to be alive? But first of all, he wondered whether the almighty God was fair? Eventually as time passed by, he started realizing his anger towards God for being so unfair to a kid who was still young, who didn't even put his legs on this world. He was as much angry as the circumstances that led to now. The loss of life at any point of time could scar anyone for life. Life is precious, and God understands this more than anyone. But, if only he did! He asked, rather shouted at God, cursed him, demeaned him and after failing to see any results started losing faith in him. No matter how much faith he lost, even when there was no faith left to lose, he still remembered him every once in a while, either it was to curse him or beg him. He concluded God to be a mean person with no conscious, no remorse. How could anyone tell otherwise!
Now revisiting again, Why he wanted his brother to be alive? Why he hated God so much? Why, because that night God took away the wrong person. He wishes that if that day had been any different, the world, his world would have been a different place. A peaceful place where he always wishes to be. A place where there is no sorrow. A place where there is no pain. A place where there is no hatred, no nothing. A place where he never existed, where he never existed!