Saturday, August 27, 2011

Isolated.



Life is a perfect cycle of mysterious happenings at every turn of the clock. We expect something and we do get something, but not what we expected. We design it in a way that is according to the circumstances we live with, but we get things which are designed to serve some other's purpose. But we cant beat it nor destroy it nor leave it and stick to our own big small world. We want change. Sometimes we get and we are happy for that. And sometimes we don't and we are really disheartened with it. It is always a test, Life. Sometimes we break the code, we elope with amazing results. And sometimes heart-broken. So what happens to the guy with broken heart. Does he try to stick together the broken pieces of heart or let the animosity take a turn and exploit the struggling heart. We never know, oh sorry, I might never know. May be I am also the one with such qualifications. I don't know. But what I know is that I am Isolated but not Isolated. What does this even mean? (Right?) You got this question, didn't you. See sometimes, I know things, especially like these.  May be I will try to enlighten with my meager mind and hope that you understand. 




We always think of taking the less used path, as we all think and do know that it would make a big difference. It sure does because it is difficult. But how many of us try to choose  the difficult one. Some do and some don't. Those who do are determined & perfection-ed. They know the consequences and are ready to face them no matter what. They tend to sacrifice everything they have to get what they need and devote themselves to the work. And there are people who think to be like the rest. Some depend on others and some do the work in their own way. But all this is the decision that we, the people make. In any of the circumstances, the important thing would the relation with people. One can't be isolated and work on his own. People needs friends as they say Human is a Social Animal. Sp people make friends, acquaintances and even enemies also. They all are part of the life. But what we hold on to are 'friends'. And how does one become friends; and you all know, I guess. But sometimes, the people you know and think that they are your friends aren't really what they are. What are they then? You tell me after you read this whole post.




I do have friends, a lot of good friends. When I was in Assam, where I had no idea about the language Hindi, the only people I could talk to, were the people with the same language as mine. Later when I moved on, my circle of friends became bigger and bigger. Until my 10 grade, I was a frisky guy making fun of the things with my friends. I used to be a talking guy though looked calm and silent. I also used to make fun and was also made fun of. I was sometimes even punished for mistakes which I didn't do and mistake which I did. Now, people won't believe me as I speak. This all happens when we are with friends. But even with the innocence of the mind, people were intelligent enough to distinguish between the people based on their academic performance. I remember when we had different group for the people who secured good marks and the rest was another group. And the geek group also had some rules of some sort. As I wasn't one among them, I don't know those things. One thing I know is that they needed a specific count of people for their group while playing, so when one person used to get absent, they used to pick up from the not-so-famous group for their games. That was  the intelligence of the 4th standard student. Imagine now! While the times changed and people changed, I don't know what happened to the geek-group as I moved to another school. Now, this new school had a limited number of students, so there weren't any groups. 




Was I isolated when I was in school? Or did I feel so? No. May be I didn't know what the word meant those days. Or may be I wasn't led to such apt thinking. School is where we meet people with serene innocence and we live with that innocence. As we grow, we grew bolder in thinking and our priority changes. We feel grown up. And the way we think changes. So does that mean that I grew up and am  getting such feeling. I won't say, I am not a grown up. And I won't even abide with the notion that grown ups gets new kind of feelings. I got a reason.




Time is like a whirlwind. It passes years in months, months in days, and days in hours. I finally see myself in the last year of the under graduation stream. It seems like yesterday that I completed my 10th and my intermediate (+2). And may be after 10 years or so, I might look back upon this day and say, it was yesterday that I completed my engineering. Well, life has to go on. There is no stopping back. If you intend to stop, then you intend to lose a precious moment. Among these journeys of so called life, we encounter many fascinating things. apart from exams, which happen to decide our future, there are another important part of our life, they are called friends. Actually I adore my friends and I may do almost anything (expect those things which I can't do and shouldn't do). I used to have friends, good friends. I still have. But ow, I am very much surprised when I understand "How I could?".




From Intermediate a.k.a. +2 or 12th grade, I don't know what happened, but I became very naive and extremely calm & silent. Still I managed friends who gradually became good friends in just a span of two years. May be I think, the sudden change of atmosphere and the environment around me made to change myself. I finally got used to it and started as usual. While again three years back, I had to again change place. Though I was used to migrating and adapting to environment, but moving into and with the crowd is a bit difficult in the early stages. The old me came back to life. I was again like unseen and unheard. Later as time passed and fate might have decided, people floated around me. Not that I am famous or something like that. Just that they used to live along with me and some probably from the same class. So, my classroom and the hostel where I stayed were my limits. Within the limitation also, the criteria in which I belong surprised me as I learnt the cause for having people hanging around me, or say knowing me, or whatever. A person like me, who had never talked to a guy in the hostel managed to make atleast half of the total people staying at hostel as friends and acquaintances(some). How ? Seriously, I don't know. Ask those people who saw something in me which I actually don't have!! While I run my  thinking over the process, I am surprised. The reason here is not important, though. So I am not telling. This is because, though I may be naive, I do think a lot about others even if they don't think about me or even people who don't like me. Every person who dislikes me should have a reason for such a feeling which I caused. So, I do think what I did which caused such a feeling against / for me. Not only this, there are a  lot of things which I am made to think. Not just disliking, there are many other things starting from a frowned look to anywhere it can extend to. So the reason for now is confidential (for the time being). 




While I deliberately sit in my place which is self-chosen second bench in my present classroom, I would find no one besides me unless there are no vacant places at the back. Well the situation was a quite different a little while ago. I actually don't mind with the situation, which I live with. I am very well habituated with such kind of atmosphere. While I live with the walls, the stones, the roads and with my camera and also most importantly my laptop, I do get into some of the people old funny jokes. While the name(long back) which made sense only once and that to be mistakenly is still the people's most favorite word for teasing me or should I say making fun. Actually, I don't like name because it doesn't represent me in the minute sense. NO, IT IS KINDA INAPPROPRIATE TO CALL A NAME WHICH DOESN'T BELONG TO A PERSON AND IMPORTANTLY DOESNT EVEN REMIND OF ME. I've tried telling these people. I don't know who is stubborn, me or them? So, as of now I am living at college hostel alone. I got roommates and some (1)  left and some(1) was changed by the hostel authorities. So, I ended where I started. I am blaming anyone for this and not even holding grudges on the people who call me names. I am sorry if I have compelled you to call me so. Anyways, whatever comes, I can't speak a word but nod with a smile. Like I said, Life is a Circle, a funny one though. 




So, where do I come into picture? I was the most contacted last year, which gradually decreased as they started learning more about me that I am not that competent of dealing with things (which I don't know whether I am or not). Isolated, I am until something comes up with the college work. Lets start with Assignments. Everybody has the ability to copy from the textbook. BUT no, some dont want to open the textbooks and lately knock on my door while the others have rejected to help. Who are these others? The ones who don't want their work to be shared and  cant bear the credit to be taken by others. Well, these are some self-centered people who see success as themselves holding the position. Mind you, that position can't be shared (so is their thinking). May be they are doing the right thing, I dont know. But when someone shows up on my door, it isn't really easy to woo then off and make a excuse to escape. Sorry. I am not a good liar (though i repent it because I was once). I get easily caught. So I try not to tell many excuses. They get the work and leave with a note of thanks for the time I spared and the work which they finished. They feel satisfied, I too, just in the sense that I helped someone in some way. Then, what's next. NOTHING. Until there is an assignment or say an exam next week/(& even)tomorrow I get invisible kind. No one calls, texts. None, until the day before the exam when some people show up outside my room to clear some doubts and also to explain some things. I aint any EINSTEIN, nor a person holding 100 diplomas in any subject. They show as if I know everything, which I dont. Unfortunately, because of my not-no-character never says no, while in my mind I do say 'damn'. Though I start telling, I realize I dont know more than half of the things. With the meager knowledge I try my level best to get them what they wanted. I don't really know whether they are satisfied or not. I don't care at that moment, may be b'cause I too have an exam the other day and  I too don't know anything. Now again, the invisible me walks down the lane, until I am spotted by a guy, who calls me with again the stupid name, I am bound to continue with whatever comes ahead. 




Am I not  Isolated ? What do you think? No? / Yes? Whatever you think after reading the above length non-sensual feelings of a lonely 'freak', I said what I have to tell and got cemented in the mind. Hope, with this I might feel good which I obviously won't. Just another boring post by me. Dislike me for what I am, I won't mind.



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Bangalore, Karnataka, India
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